Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Damn, dude!



Gentlemen, we have guests for dinner.

Marge! Damn, run away!

Hell! We're gonna be the dinner!

Stay right there, Marge! I have a thermonuclear device in my pocket and I know how to use it.

Oh dear me. And I thought you were just happy to see me.

Agent Bauer! This is not the creature you know as Marge.

Sure looks like her.

Yeah. If it walks like a duck, it's a damn duck!

I remind you of waterfowl? How nice.

I think she owes me some damn money, too.

I introduce you to Mrs. Egram. She is the result of a badly botched mission into the past to kill Marge.

Ah. You belong to an alternate timeline.

Correct. I am apparently the proto Marge, as it were. And who might you be?

I am your Lord. Bow before me.

Unlikely.

Can it, Newman.

I can vouch for what she says. I helped botch the attempt to kill her.

Your efforts were, in fact, crucial.

Atown Liker? It's true. You're alive!


Hmm. Maybe he that alternate Irish Tenor feller.

Nope. It's me. The tenor is still in non-Parallel Allentown.


Hmmm. I reckon he oughta said this here is I. Mmm.

Spare us the grammar lesson. I have come to aid you in destroying the demon Marge, who presently soiling the good name of the Egram family.

Explain to me again how it is that you aren't Marge.

Gentlemen, and madam, we'll discuss it over dinner.

Thermonuclear device? Damn, dude.

Monday, August 22, 2011

I have a wide stance



Who are you? Did St. Onslow send you?


I'm Andrew. I don't know how I got here. One moment I was in a stall at the Parallel Allentown Underground Comfort Station and the next thing you know I was being sucked into the toilet. When I was finally able to climb out, I was here.

Is he with you, Mrs. Egram?

Hardly. I have never laid eyes on this man.

I've seen him on TV. He eats disgusting things.

Hmmm. I remember this feller from that underground bathroom. He was in the stall next to me 'n he kept wavin at me under the wall.


Nonsense! I dropped a sandwich.

Hmmm. Then he kept a-bumpin my foot with his foot.


It's just that I have a wide stance.

Oh, puh-lease!

I can only assume that St. Onslow sent him to be a part of your team, Mrs. Egram.

Team? This is what the Parallel Vatican considers a team? Three time-travelling idiots and a gluttonous pervert?


I'm not a glutton. I just like eat repulsive things. In moderation.

We must not question God's plan, Mrs. Egram. Everyone, come to the dining room and join the others.

Dining room?

Monday, August 1, 2011

I will not be referred to as a byproduct



Your Haughtiness, these people have been sent to us by St. Onslow.

Mistakenly, I might add.

They are associates of the others who arrived here earlier. ... Except for Mrs. Egram. She claims to be from an alternate timeline.

You mean from non-Parallel Time, don't you?

No sir. He does not. And I shall speak for myself if you don't mind.

Please Mrs. Egram, by all means.

I lived happily in my own time, you see -- the non-Parallel Time of the past as it were -- until these three (as well as a so-called vampire hunter and his son, a polar bear, who have been since dispatched to non-Parallel 1868) -- altered my timeline in a clumsy attempt to kill me.

Um. ... Marge, actually, if I may interject. It was a clumsy attempt to go back in time to kill Marge before she became a demon and destroyed Allentown in non-Parallel Time ...

... Except that their Marge did not exist yet. In fact, it was their interference that created her.

Ironic, I reckon.

And what is your part in this?

I, Mrs. Egram, was the pre-Marge. Their attempt to kill me caused a landslide in which I apparently ate my younger half-brother, the combining his demonic power with my own.


You see, Marge, I mean pre-Marge Mrs. Egram, was actually a semidemon, the offspring of a half vampire and a cambion.

Cambion?

The byproduct of a union between an incubus or a succubus and a human.

I will not be referred to as a byproduct.

Her brother Ronan ...

Half brother.

... was a descendant of the Irish mythical warrior Cuchlainn.

He wasn't so mythical. His Parallel Time counterpart escaped into non-Parallel Time and destroyed a whole block of Allentown while trying to get revenge on Marge.

... We went back in time again to the moment before the landslide and tried to kill her again. ...


Hmm. But we done messed it up again pretty good and got stuck in an alternate timeline.

And, yet, you stand before me now?



Mm. We done figured the alternate timeline would have would have one of them underground latrines that Ol' Donovan lived in in this timeline. 'Cept he was young Donovan when we got there. Hmmm. Acourse that was when we got mixed up with Ol' Bramwell.

Bramwell? My head is spinning.

Pardon me, Your Hindquarters, someone else has just come through the toilet.