I want my damn mercy!

Jesus gave away my damn seat in heaven to Paul Newman?!? He can't do that. Who the hell does he think he is? I am the Player, damn it! He can't give my damn seat to Paul Newman!!

Junior is a huge movie buff. And Paul Newman, c'mon? 'Cool Hand Luke'? ... Hey, it's OK. You'll get used to Parallel heaven. I mean, sure, it's nowhere near as nice as non-Parallel heaven and they don't have a Diamond Club, but there's a Ruby Tuesday's and you get half-priced wings anytime you want.

Wings?!?! Hell, the Player doesn't eat any damn wings. I'm supposed to be in real heaven where every damn thing I want is free with my Diamond Card and I'm entitled to the use of a super premium automobile.

Yeah, about that. ... Mr. Newman's gonna need that Diamond Club card. You'll really have no use for it in Parallel heaven, anyway. Everyone rides bikes there. ... There's a Country Buffet, did I mention that?

Bikes?!?! Country damn Buffet??? ... No damn Paul Newman is gonna take take my damn Diamond Club card. It's not fair. Jesus himself said if I went to Parallel Time and helped bring back the Green Guy I could be in the Diamond Club! I did everything he said. You trying to tell me Jesus himself can't be trusted?

Hey, he works in mysterious ways, what can I say? Besides, you had plenty of time to go to heaven, but you kept your Lord waiting as you slummed around in the spirit world trying to collect on old debts. It doesn't pay to make Jesus wait. You hurt his feelings.

Hell! This isn't right. Jesus is supposed to be merciful. I want my damn mercy! I did everything I was supposed to do. What about that angel? I saved her ass from Ronan.

He certainly did!

Can it, sister. You're on thin ice as it is. ... Come to think of it, saving the angel was uncharacteristically selfless of you. ... Though I'm not sure you did anybody any favors.

Hey, I saved the damn angel and I want my damn Diamond Club card and I want to be in real damn heaven. ... And I'm sorry I let Jesus down, OK? And I want that seat on his left side, not the right side.

Well, I don't think that's gonna be good enough. ... Hang on, I gotta take this call. ... Hello, yes, yes. OK, I'll put him on. It's for you, Player. I'll put it on speaker.

It better not be damn Truman. Hello?

Hello, Dude. It's Jesus. First off, I want to tell you how grateful we are that you saved the little angel. ...

See??

Shhhh!

... Secondly, I'm afraid we've given away your spot in non-Parallel heaven. I'm sorry dude, but you've had a lot of time to check in and we just assumed you decided not to come. We've given your spot to someone who deserves it.

Paul Newman? Damn! But we were gonna watch the games together. Jesus, please don't leave me in Parallel heaven. I want to to be in the show! I want to be in the Diamond Club!

Well, since you did selflessly save an angel in distress -- and seriously dude I did not see that coming .... Um ... OK here's what we can do. You can come to heaven, but no Diamond Club. Your club card and your seat at my RIGHT hand will go to Mr. Newman. You'll be sitting in general admission.

How far away is that seat? Do I have to ride a damn bicycle?

It's far. ... Listen, I can let you have a gold membership. That entitles you to a full size car, with a possible upgrade. And well drinks only.

Well drinks? Damn. Can I upgrade to a Lexus suvie, or a Hummer, or an Escalade?

No, no and no. Take it or leave it.


Damn.

POOF! You don't like the accommodations in heaven? That's where I come in. How'd you like to play for our team? The Parallel Hell Cowboys. You can have any ride you want. A huge salary, lots of perks. No drug screening. And we'll throw you the damn ball on every play.

Beat it now, while you still have one eye.

Hey, back off, Chewie. Union rules. He ain't in heaven yet, he's still fair game until you walk in the door of Tommy Tomorrow's. So wad'dya say, Player?

You would throw me the ball every play? ... No. You go to hell. You gotta run the damn ball once or twice to open it up for the pass.

Go to hell? Oooh. Ouch. I'm outta here. POOF!

Dude. I'm so proud of you! I see an Escalade in your future. ... But you still get well drinks and general admission.

Do those seats have cupholders?

You bet! ... Hey we're watching 'The Hustler' Sunday. Why don't you come by after and we'll catch the game. ... Hasta luego, dude! ... Oh, and Michael. Deal with the crows, OK?

Damn! ... Did you see that devil's eye?

Where does Junior find these guys?

Crows are murder

In case I wasn't busy enough, Junior tells me Ronan has somehow slipped through hell into non-Parallel Time. Who's supposed to deal with him? Guess. Not to mention the Green Guy is off with the crows somewhere, so I gotta find a buncha damn birds and get him back where he belongs to fix up this whole charlie foxtrot situation with the sixth-dimensional rift. Like I have time to worry about freakin' crows. I don't know why the boss even humors them. Birdbrains. And I don't know if I've mentioned this before, but Uriel is the archangel in charge of animals. Last time I looked, crows were animals. I mean am I missing something here? Of course I thought polar bears were animals, too. Shows how much I know.

I have a call into Uriel as we speak. Has he called me back? No. Too busy not doing his own job. Whoops speak of the devil. This must be him. Sorry, gotta take this call. ... Uriel? Yeah it's me. About the crows ...

Listen, Mike. I know what you're going to say, but the situation with the crows is bigger than just an animal issue. The crows are mythical creatures. They have powers well beyond any other animal, except for bog turtles. Plus they are clearly trying to undermine time itself, which makes it a planetary issue, which is your bailiwick.

Mythical in what way exactly? Like, say, talking polar bear mythical?

Well it goes way back. The crows stayed in the Garden of Eden when Adam and Eve got the boot. I know; I was there. It was my idea to turn their feathers black when they started to eat carrion. I know what you're gonna say but things were different back then. ... And remember the flood? Noah sent crows to fly far out to see if the flood was over. But they never came back. The boss was pretty miffed over that.

I thought Apollo turned their feathers black.

Apollo. Pfah. He wishes. ... The Norse god Odin had crows as his right and left hand men. One group of Native Americans think crows created the world; others see them as gods. ... Crows were powerful symbols to the Egyptians, Romans and Greeks. Europeans saw them as prophets or messengers, especially the Celts. The Irish warrior Cuchulain was nursed to health by crows when he was ill. When he died, a crow landed on his shoulder and plucked out his eyes.

Yawn. What sort of powers are we talking about here?

Time travel, the ability to predict the future, the ability to live in alternate time lines ... stuff like that ... oh, and healing. The crows live in their own realm, apart from time. They can fly from the present into the past or into the future as easily as they fly from tree to tree.

So what am I supposed to do, smite a flock of birds?

They're called murders, not flocks. ... I don't know. You'll have to figure it out. But chances are their intentions are good. They think they've gotten a bum rap through history and they've been trying to get back in God's good graces, mostly by trying to cozy up with Jesus.
Yeah. Junior's a soft touch. I'm babysitting another pal of his as we speak. I don't know where he finds them....

You better not be talking about me!

Good luck with that.

Any idea what the crows would want with the Green Guy?

Zilch, but they seem to be interested in Ronan as well.

Well they better not get too interested in the Irishman cause he has a short shelf life. As soon as I finish with all of these loose ends, Ronan is going to have a smoting problem. ... But first I gotta play Saint Michael the Archnanny and walk the Player to Parallel heaven where I intend to dump him off once and for all.

Excuse me, Mr. boss angel, but I think you mean you are taking me to non-Parallel heaven where Jesus has a seat waitin for me right there beside him.

Uriel, gotta run. Don't work to hard. ... Sorry, pal. Plans have changed. I'm juggling too many crises to walk you all the way back to non-Parallel heaven. Parallel heaven will be good enough for you.

Damn! I'm not goin to some stupid Parallel heaven. Parallel heaven sucks! I'm a Diamond Club member in non-Parallel heaven. I got a seat reserved next to Jesus. I demand to go to non-Parallel heaven!

Yeah, about that seat next to Jesus ... you know those don't open up very often and, um, because you waited so long to finally go to heaven, Jesus ... well, he gave your seat to Paul Newman.