Friday, May 15, 2009

No more half-price wings

Nice digs ya got here Newman. Weren't these the Tofu Turkey Towers? You've done pretty well for yourself.

I am Lord Newman. Depart from me now demon!


Um ....That crap don't work with me.

I am your God! You shall kneel before me!

That reverb is pretty impressive, I must admit. Now try this. Shut the hell up while I'm talkin to you, a-hole! You ain't no god.


Jesus has made me the Lord of Parallel Time.

Yeah yeah. Jesus may act like a rube sometimes but he's not in the business of givin away the store. No matter what you put in those chips. You're more like a demigod. For instance, I hear Ponzi got away from you. Do you know where he is?

No.

See? God would know that. Your pal Gabriel, did you know he was eaten by a polar right outside of Santa's workshop? ... I thought not. See? Demigod.

Gabriel, killed?? I shall kill all polar bears!


Save it, chum. They'll eat you alive. ... Hell, Santa would kick your ass, demigod.

I don't believe in Santa Claus.
From now on, you do.
But I can fly! I can disappear at will. My face appears in the clouds ...

Parlour tricks. And careful with that whole poofing thing. You could end up with your head stuck in a wall. Can you walk on water?


Well, no.

Jesus can. Hell, the mayor of this town can do that. What's his name ... O'Bama?


He can? ... But I have the the Celestial Locking Protocols.


Bingo! That's what we're here to talk about. My boss is very happy that you've locked down Parallel Time. You see, now Jesus and the rest of those other deities can't come over here and get in our business. ... We need you to keep those gates locked.

I was planning to do that.

Good. And a few other things. We don't want no more angels runnin around down here on earth. They get in our way. And I want you to raise taxes in Parallel Heaven.

I don't think they have any taxes.

They do now. And you and my boss can split the profits. ... And that TJI Fridays up there? No more half-price wings.

That's going make some people very upset. ... I'm not sure.

... But we'll be the replacing all the vendors. Every scrap of food in Heaven will be Newman's Own.

Hmmm.

You see, Pauly. We don't look at this as a takeover. We like to think of it as a merger between heaven and hell. ... And you, of course, will still be in charge of our heaven branch.

Deal ... on one condition. Tell me where Ponzi is.


Ponzi? Oh right. Them TV chefs found him. Plannin' to eat him again. You ever get that 50 billion?

Not yet.

Well, guess what. chum? You find it, you keep it. ... And you didn't believe in Santa Claus.