Thursday, December 15, 2011

Just do it

Boss? ... Afraid I've got some bad news.

Is there any other kind?

Well, for one thing the system is completely buggered. Ever since that damn dinosaur got caught up in it ...

That's one of my creatures you're talking about.

Right. Sorry. ... Ever since that creature of yours got pulled into the transphasic matrix, nothing works. 'Alf the toilets here are backed up and the ones that do work will only ship to the Parallel bloody South Pole.

Do I look like a plumber? What do you want me to do about it?

Don't you have a saint or an angel or someone up there who can fix this sort of thing?

Hmm. Let me think. ... Oh right. That would be you. If you aren't up to the job ...

Let's not be hasty. ... I realize I've never been one of your favorite saints ...

Probationary saint.

Right. Probationary saint. ... But this isn't my fault. Bramwell fooled around with that bloody freight elevator ... and then the dinosaur.

Listen. I don't have time for this. I have a lot on my plate. I'm down two archangels. St. Peter is letting dead terrorists wander through the gates and Santa's been drinking again. You and Donovan and Old Donovan are going to have to figure this out for yourselves.

Yes sir. Um ...

Now what?

We've had some messages coming through the gate. Seems there's a mole at the South Pole.

A mole? What messages?

Someone from the Pew Works tower has been in contact with someone at the South Pole Vatican -- probably Bramwell. Oh, did I tell you Bramwell used some gizmo to get to the Parallel South Pole? ... Also, someone's been fooling around with the transphasic bubble we've been using to keep great White Crow under wraps. Again, probably Bramwell.

Crows! I've about had it up to here with crows. ... If I could get through one day without hearing about crows or Bramwell, or Marge for that matter ...

One last thing ... Chef Andrew ...


He's a TV chef that accidentally got pulled through the toilet to the Parallel South Pole. ...

Oh boo-hoo. Tell him to offer it up. ... Here's what I want you to do. I'm going to send some more help to Bauer and Newman in the South Pole. You get them there and tell them to deal with Bramwell. Then you get them all back to non-Parallel Allentown to deal with Marge. I don't care how you do it, just do it. Understood?

Understood, sir. ... And if I don't talk to you before then, sir, Happy Birthday.

Just do it.

Yes sir. Goodbye. ... Jeez, he's got a bee in his bonnet, doesn't he?

He's under some stress, I suppose. Cucumber sandwich?

Don't mind if i do.

Actually, he looks just like my plumber back in Manchester.

Monday, November 28, 2011

I have a proposition

Is this Mr. Bramwell?

Bramwell B. Bramwell, Esq. speaking.

Nice to meet ya, Mr. B.

Lord of the Crows, actually. ... And you are?

Green Devil here, at your service.

And why has a rodent delivered you to me?

I have a proposition. ... It concerns the Great White Crow.

I'm listening.

You see, I represent a very powerful organization and it's come to our intention that you plan to use the Great White Crow to bring on the Apocalypse.


My organization, while not being opposed to the concept of an Apocalypse, is not fully convinced that one would be in our best interest at the present time.

Your beliefs are of no concern to the Crows.

Be that as it may, you may find that you and we have some mutual interests and our organization could be very beneficial to you.

In what way?

Travel, for instance. You're not going to be able to bring that bird into non-Parallel time without our help. ... That transpolar destabilizer you have? A piecea junk. Made in China. No way that thing is going to pop a transphasic bubble, let along open a rift into a parallel reality.

I shall take my chances.

We can bring you and the bird to non-Parallel Time.

This is getting too weird for me.

Thursday, November 17, 2011

"Sympathy for the Devil," dude

I have some good news and some somewhat unfortunate news.


Using the transpolar destabilizer, I have run a test on the transphasic bubble that has imprisoned the Great White Crow.


It seems very likely that I can free that magnificent creature from its fetters.

Is that the good news or the bad news?

That, of course, is the good news. ... The unfortunate news is that my test may have alerted the celestial realm travel authorities of my intentions.

It's really hard to tell the good news and bad news apart with you, Bramwell.

When we have created Armageddon these things will become clear to you.

Oh, more good news. ... So what's the next step?

I would have wished for more time to formulate a plan, but I must act quickly to free the Great White Crow and bring him into non-Parallel Time ...

Whoa! What the heck was that, a rat?? Did you see that??

It appears to be a rodent of some sort there chirping in the corner.

Is he leaving?

He has disappeared into a ...

Please don't say crev-AHSS again.

... hole in the ice, if you will. ... But he has left something behind.

Is that an I-phone?

Yes and it has an annoying ringtone.

It's playing "Sympathy for the Devil," dude.