They have discovered the means

Agent Bauer! I see you are enjoying the view from my terraza. Allow me to introduce myself. I am Pope Boneyface the 16th, the pontiff of Parallel Time.

I think I am frozen.

Yes! yes! Of course you are. Signor Scarecrow, please bring Agent Bauer inside and pour him some brandy. ... I will not ask you to kiss my ring, Agent Bauer, for it is quite cold and your lips would stick to it. You see I have been enjoying my daily walk in the brisk outdoors. It is 110 below zero Celsius today!

You go outside in this? What about the crows?

The crows are not interested in me, Agent Bauer. And besides, their little crow bodies cannot withstand this dreadful cold. After a few moments in the superchilled air here they drop from the sky and become food for my sentry penguins.

What, may I ask, are they interested in?

They seek to begin the apocalypse, nothing less. They will destroy Parallel Time and Non-parallel Time. They believe crows will reign in the aftertime.

But how? They're crows. They are petty and arrogant and not all that bright. ... And I have a BB gun!

Believe me Agent Bauer, they have discovered the means and if they are successful, not even your BB gun can save us.

I don't understand.

You will. In time. ... Come with me the to the Chamber of Holy Artifacts and the situation will become clearer.

The towel holders are ivory

Again, unpleasant. ... But, wow! This is the most magnificent toilet I've ever swam in.

You have good taste, Agent Bauer. That toilet bowl is made from 24 karat gold.

And you are?

You may call me Scarecrow. I am the head of security here.

That was my first inclination. Where exactly is here and why do you have a gold and diamond encrusted bathroom?

You are in the Vatican South Pole, Agent Bauer. ... The towel holders are ivory...

This is the South Pole?

Indeed it is. Have a look out the window.

Penguins.

Not just any penguins, Agent Bauer. Jackass penguins.

Jackass penguins. ... Crows hate Jackass penguins.

And they don't care much for me either.

Wait till they get a load of my BB gun!

Let's get you cleaned up. His Holiness Pope Boneyface is waiting to see you.

So you are protecting the pope from the crows.

It's not the pope we are protecting Agent Bauer. We are protecting the entire space-time continuum. ... As we know it.


I didn't even know I knew it.

Who were you expectin', the Queen of England?

Well, that was unpleasant.

Welcome to Parallel Time. Have a good trip, mate?

I'm not your mate.

Well spoken, governor!

I'm not the governor, either. Who the hell are you?

Oh, I do enjoy parrying with you, sir. ... I'm Old Donovan, I am. Comfort station attendant extraordinaire, at your service!

You? Old Donovan?

I am I am. Who were you expectin', the Queen of England?

You don't want to know.

As you wish. ... Fancy a towel, mate? Got some nice cologne here to cut that smell from the loo. ... Mellow Yellow if you catch me meanin'.

Just give me a towel and point me the way to Newman.

Not just yet, governor. There's a bloke in Stall Number 4 who would like a word.

Jesus?

Not yet, Agent Bauer, but give it some time. I'm movin' up in the ranks lately.

St. Onslo?? You're not even a real saint.

I am now. I got me pips. Now I'm undercover, just like you.

I don't have time for this. I need to get to Newman.

Newman, can wait, Agent Bauer. It's the crows we need to concern ourselves with. ... By the way I got some gear for ya. Here's your secret decoder ring and your two-way wristwatch back. They would never a made it though that old loo back in Non-parallel Time. ... But I'm keepin' the 40 quid. Consider it a finder's fee. ... Oh, and here's another piece a hardware for ya.

A BB gun?

The crows hate them.

Whatever. If I'm not going to Newman, where am I going?

Interesting story, that. But no time to tell it. Hurdy Gurdy Man here is flushin' ya down to the South Pole. ... To meet the pope.

Stall Number 5, governor. Our finest.... Very reliable!

Dude, you're in my toilet

Man, this toilet is really going crazy. I guess I have to call a plumber.

What the hell?

Dude, you're in my toilet.

You tellin' me? Damn! Get me the hell outta this thing!

Oh. ... Crap.

Don't even think about it!

You're not the Green Guy. ... Are you who I think you are?

I am if you think I'm the best goddam athlete God ever put on this earth.

You're back? Wonderful. ... Just what I need.

Karl? ... You son of a bitch. You killed me with that damn keyser blade!

I'm not Karl. I'm Atown-Liker. Remember? You were here before. This is Parallel Time.

Parallel Time? Damn. That freak Donovan flushed me down a toilet into Parallel Time?

Apparently it's been going around. Some duchess or countess or whatever washed up over at the T.V. Chefs Studio a while back. ... And I heard another guy that looks just like the Irish Tenor bubbled up over there the other day.

So we made it. ... You got a towel? ... Hey, did some crazy-ass secret agent wash up around here too?

Not as far as I know. Why are you here, anyway?

Newman. Paul goddam Newman.

Looks like we're ordering takeout

Now that we have the dog back, what should we do with him?

Let's eat him!

Let him go. He's just a little dog.

Let's lock him in the basement and torture him.

Let the poor creature go.

What is that sound?

The floor is shaking!

I am Lord Newman. Kneel before me.

What do you want?

I have come for Ponzi. Release him at once!

I told you to let him go!

I'll go and get him, Lord.

Quickly! ... You! Why do you not kneel before your Lord?

You are a fraud and I find you tiresome.

I shall smite thee!

Pssssst. Hey cupcake. That dude'll kick your ass.

I am Lord Newman!

And I'm the Easter Bunny. You been readin' your own press too long. Come with me. We got bigger fish to fry right now.

But ... Ponzi.

Forget about the mutt right now. We got problems. Let's get outta here.

They're gone, Bourdain. You can stop hiding in the bathroom. And who's great idea was it to kidnap God's dog anyway?

I thought he was just the president's dog. ... At any rate, he just ran away again. Looks like we're ordering takeout.

Hey Pan Fry, you better come in the bathroom.

I'm not falling for that again, perv.

There's a guy climbing out of the toilet.

Again?

I said I wanted door number ONE!

No more half-price wings

Nice digs ya got here Newman. Weren't these the Tofu Turkey Towers? You've done pretty well for yourself.

I am Lord Newman. Depart from me now demon!

Um ....That crap don't work with me.

I am your God! You shall kneel before me!

That reverb is pretty impressive, I must admit. Now try this. Shut the hell up while I'm talkin to you, a-hole! You ain't no god.

Jesus has made me the Lord of Parallel Time.

Yeah yeah. Jesus may act like a rube sometimes but he's not in the business of givin away the store. No matter what you put in those chips. You're more like a demigod. For instance, I hear Ponzi got away from you. Do you know where he is?

No.

See? God would know that. Your pal Gabriel, did you know he was eaten by a polar right outside of Santa's workshop? ... I thought not. See? Demigod.

Gabriel, killed?? I shall kill all polar bears!

Save it, chum. They'll eat you alive. ... Hell, Santa would kick your ass, demigod.

I don't believe in Santa Claus.

From now on, you do.

But I can fly! I can disappear at will. My face appears in the clouds ...

Parlour tricks. And careful with that whole poofing thing. You could end up with your head stuck in a wall. Can you walk on water?

Well, no.

Jesus can. Hell, the mayor of this town can do that. What's his name ... O'Bama?

He can? ... But I have the the Celestial Locking Protocols.

Bingo! That's what we're here to talk about. My boss is very happy that you've locked down Parallel Time. You see, now Jesus and the rest of those other deities can't come over here and get in our business. ... We need you to keep those gates locked.

I was planning to do that.

Good. And a few other things. We don't want no more angels runnin around down here on earth. They get in our way. And I want you to raise taxes in Parallel Heaven.

I don't think they have any taxes.

They do now. And you and my boss can split the profits. ... And that TJI Fridays up there? No more half-price wings.

That's going make some people very upset. ... I'm not sure.

... But we'll be the replacing all the vendors. Every scrap of food in Heaven will be Newman's Own.

Hmmm.

You see, Pauly. We don't look at this as a takeover. We like to think of it as a merger between heaven and hell. ... And you, of course, will still be in charge of our heaven branch.

Deal ... on one condition. Tell me where Ponzi is.

Ponzi? Oh right. Them TV chefs found him. Plannin' to eat him again. You ever get that 50 billion?

Not yet.

Well, guess what. chum? You find it, you keep it. ... And you didn't believe in Santa Claus.

I prefer Mr. God

Who are you? How did you get past security?

I am your Lord. Worship me.

What the hell? Guards! Guards!

No one can hear your cries for help, President Madoff

You aren't God. You're that actor. ... The one with the salsa.

Silence! Where is Ponzi?

Ponzi? What do you want with my dog?

Your dog? Ha! I sent Ponzi to Parallel Time before the election. Using mind control, I tricked you into adopting him.

That's not true. Ponzi showed up on my doorstep, in a basket, with a note that said, 'I need a home. Arf."

And what else was in that basket?

A baby blanket, a pacifier ... and some puppy treats. ... Newman's Own ... Oh my God, it was you!

I prefer Mr. God.

Ode of the toilet

So you're trying to tell us you swam here from non-Parallel time through a toilet?


An underground toilet. yes.



Cool. I crawled into a toilet once. It was awesome.


We don't want to hear about your love life, Bourdain.

You see, I was a sea creature engaged in a death struggle with an evil demon ...



Cool!

Is it possible I may have some clothing? ... Atown-Liker has not yet arrived?

Ah! You must be the Countess of Monaco, from non-Parallel Time. I've heard so much about you. ... Allow me to introduce myself. I am the Green Guy. Atown-Liker is detained at a hockey game and shall join us later. ... And I brought you a robe.

You, sir, are a gentleman. The Green Guy in non-Parallel Time is actually a dear friend of mine. A lovely man such as yourself, but green. Decidedly so.

Countess, you are too kind. I've actually had the pleasure of meeting your friend and, yes, he is quite green.

Tell us more about the toilet!

Yes, of course, the toilet. ... You see, I was fighting the demon Marge -- and winning I might add -- when she hit me with the Butz helicopter. I fell into the Butz building and it exploded and collapsed on top of me. ... I found myself in an underground passageway. ... This is a lovely robe. Is it Turkish?

But of course. It's from the French Room at Hess's. A beautiful robe fit for a beautiful countess, such as yourself.

Oh, brother ...

Ah, you are a lovely man, indeed. We must go shopping at this French Room of yours. ... Where was I? Oh yes. The tunnel. I crawled through the tunnel and I began to feel myself change. You see, the reprehensible Dodger had transformed me into a horrific sea creature when he injected me with an amphibian growth hormone while I was recovering from a cosmetic procedure in Monaco. He was actually trying to kill me on orders from Marge, but he apparently injected me with the incorrect syringe. Later, just before I bit his head off, he injected me again, incorrectly, again, I would assume. Honestly, that vile creature has no talent as a henchman.

Yawn .... We're not getting any younger here, princess -- especially you ...

Of course, my dear, I shall continue. Apparently a 30 minute meal requires a 30 second attention span. ... You see, as I crawled through this abandoned tunnel, I could feel my body begin to transform. I became smaller and my scales began to recede. I came to an underground lavatory. It must have been somewhere along Hamilton Street ....

Of course! The underground public lavatories at Seventh and Hamilton streets. They are still operation here in Parallel Time. They provide a welcome respite for the weary shopper in our bustling downtown.

Those must be the ones. They are abandoned in non-Parallel Time. But they are guarded by an attendant -- actually a skeleton in in a bathroom attendant's uniform.

Could it be old Donovan?

I don't know his name. He offered me a moist towelette and told me the commode was a passage to Parallel Time. The lavatory began to collapse around me so I dove into the toilet. ... And now I am here.

How fascinating!

Did he say anything else?

He said something else, but I did not understand. ... But I remember the word "Newman."

This day in Parallel history

March 17 -- St. Brendan the Navigator's Day

March 17 is a holiday for Irish Americans, celebrating St. Brendan's discovery of America in 525 A.D.

St. Brendan set out in 516 with 14 pilgrims in an curragh made of leather in a search for the Garden of Eden. After an arduous journey filled with terrible and wondrous sights -- including an encounter with a sea monster -- what Brendan found was the next best thing: the South Jersey seashore.

There he founded Sea Isle City and opened an Irish Pub in 529. He brewed his beer with seaweed and algae, which of course made it green.

The followers of St. Brendan to this day drink green beer in his honor.

... A bit earthy

Hey, did you guys see the news? That wasn't Ponzi we kidnapped and ate. That was a Secret Service agent dressed up in a dog suit!


You know, I thought the testicles tasted oddly gamy.



I think "earthy" is the word I would use, Andrew. The testicles were a bit earthy.

... With a hint of maple syrup


Yuck-o! You two sure know your balls. ... Not a huge surprise, actually.

Look who's talking!

Excuse me, but what are we gonna do? The police have a picture of Ernie!

Ernie's a big boy. He can take care of himself. Besides, we ate the evidence. Don't worry about it.

Dude, did you know you have a lady's hand in your toilet?


Hmmm. I don't remember eating that.

Wait ... it's moving. ... Actually, it's not a hand. It's an arm ... with a naked lady attached to it.

Good afternoon gentlemen. My name is ... you couldn't pronounce it. You may call me the Countess of Monaco. May I borrow a robe?

The wrong dog?

Oh my God! It's Atown-Liker! ... Right here in Java Schmava! May I please have your autograph?


Why certainly. I'm always happy to pretend to be nice to my fans.


I read your blog every day. ... What was up with that last entry, anyway? The one with the crows.


Oh, that. Those stupid crows were fooling around with SEO's. Just throwing a lot of crap in there from Google Trends to see what would happen. ... Then Technorati sends a couple of good around to rough me up, so I had to tweak it a little this morning. ... Hey how should I make out this autograph?


Um ... To my dearest friend Bert. From your pal, Atown-Liker.


Whatever.



Wow! This is so cool! I've never seen you in here before.


Oh, yes. I love Java Schmava. I come for the cheesecake -- it's the best around. ... Sometimes I just like to sit and read the newspaper with a cup of joe.

What's a newspaper?

Well, it's made of paper and it has news. For instance, look at this scary dude on the front page ...

... The story says police are looking for him because he tried to kidnap the president's dog, Ponzi.

Tried?

Yeah. It says here that the kidnappers thought they were snatching Ponzi, but, in fact, what they took was Ponzi's double.

Double? You mean we, um, the kidnappers got the wrong dog?

Yeah. It says the kidnappers actually abducted a small Secret Service agent who was dressed in a dog suit.

Ewww. I mean, that's awful. Burp! Um, maybe I'll skip that cheesecake. ... Just remembered I have to be somewhere. ... Bye!

OK, bye. Oh, that'll be $5 for the autograph.

Adam Corolla

The crows like to play with SEO tags.



The crows like Brooke Astor!

The crows like Brad Van Pelt.

The crows do not like Chimp Attacks.



The crows like Adam Corolla!

Facebook is our enemy. Caw!

Yum-o!

Note: No animals were injured during the making of this blog entry (except for Ponzi, of course).

Hey, fellas! How did it go?

Like a charm. We got Ponzi!

Yay! I've got the EVOO. Let's cook that puppy uppy!

Let's torture him first

Aw, he's awfully cute. That would be cruel. Let's just eat him. I'm starved.

Yum-o!

I'm out of here, then. Later.

See if he's got my money first.

OK, mutt. Where's the loot? Fork it over.

Arf!

He doesn't have it.

Then, let's commence to cookin', shall we?

Hey, what's going on here? Are you ... cooking ... a dog? That's freakin disgusting. I want in!

Ewww! Who let Bourdain in here?

Hey, I got your 30-minute meal right here, honey.

What's that, a line of coke and a six-pack?

OK, now. Be nice. There's plenty for everybody.

My wife's coming over for dinner, too.

The more the merrier!

Something sure smells good!

Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to present, mixed grill of Ponzi!

Ta da!

In certain Chinese insane assylums, the eyeballs are considered a delicacy.

Oh, man. This is better than crack!

Yum-o!

Mmmmmm.

Hey, I brought dessert!

Death to Ponzi!

Hey, boss. This is my friend Ernie. He's gonna help us snag the pooch.

Great. Glad to have you on board, Ernie. Where's Bacon?

Here I am, Andrew. You probably didn't recognize me in my disguise.

Um, yeah. Nice hat.

OK. Ponzi's leaving the Parallel Westminster Dog Show today in Allentown. When he comes out of the hotel we're gonna snatch him. Here's the plan: Bacon, you drive the truck. Andrew will pretend he's doing a man-on-the-street taste test between deep fried hamster and guinea pig scrotums. He'll offer the scrotums to Ponzi's security guards to distract them. Then Ernie and I will rush in and grab the dog. We'll take Ponzi back to the network test kitchen. If he doesn't pay us what he owes, then, bam, Andrew will cook Ponzi up and eat him just like he ate our money.

Death to Ponzi!

Ponzi is a bad dog.

He certainly is.

And he's liable to be quite palatable. All right, everybody. Let's go!

6 Degrees of Ponzi

Hello, Mr. Sedgwick? This is Bert.

Um, just call me Kev, OK?

Sure Kev. Listen, I heard about your situation with that little dog, Ponzi.

Can you believe that mutt? I thought we were pals. Did you know he ate Larry King's money too? ... Larry King was in "Contact" with John Hurt and John Hurt was in "New York, I Love You" with me. So Ponzi has a Bacon number of 3.

Um, actually. You gave him the money yourself, so there's no degree of separation at all, really.

Oh ... right. OK. He's a 1 then. ... Hey, that makes it even worse!

And he thinks he can get away with it because he's cute. Well, actually he is pretty cute. ... But my boss and I both lost a bundle when Ponzi ate that money. And we have a plan. ...

Dude, whatever it is count me in. ... Hey, did you know your boss has a Bacon number of 4? Anthony Bourdaine was on his TV show. Bourdaine was in "Far Cry" with Kimani Ray Smith. Smith was in "Scary Movie 4" with Cloris Leacman and Cloris was in "New York I love You" with me.

Actually his number is 2. He was on the "Tonight Show" with Felicity Huffman in 2007 and she was on the "Golden Globes" in 2007 with you.

Well, if you count awards shows. Jeez.

Hey, you counted the Travel Network, for Christ's sake.

Bite me, fuzzball.

Up yours, "Footloose" boy! My foot is gonna have a Bacon number of 0 with your ass in a minute! ... Um, gotta go. Nice talkin to ya. Bye.

I'm going to need that bucket

That's all the time we have for the show this week, folks. I bet you didn't know there were so many ways to cook mouse hearts! Or eat them raw if you like, with a sprinkling of parrot pee. Yum. ... And Don't forget to join us next week when I'll be showing you how to eat reptile poop! Until then, I'm Andrew Zinzendorf and this is "The Most Disgusting Things You Can Put in Your Mouth"!

Clear! That's a wrap! Great show, Andrew. Do you need a bucket?

Not today, Bert. I'm good. Great show everybody!

Mayor O'Bama is waiting to see you. Good news I hope.

Bring him in.

A pleasure to meet you, Mr. Zinzendorf. My family and I are big fans of your show. We love to watch you eat horrible, horrible things -- like the time you ate the hooves right off a goat.

A little bit of cloves and butter and those hooves are quite palatable. ... So Mayor, any news about my investments?

I met with President Madoff and, well, the news isn't good. The fund is gone. It seems that his little dog Ponzi ate it.

Ate it? Fifty billion dollars? How could a dog eat something like that?

He's really a cute little guy, that Ponzi. It's hard to stay mad at the little rascal.

Andrew are you OK?

I think I'm going to need that bucket, Bert.

Well Mr. Zinzedorf I can see that you're busy, so I'll be leaving. ... Oh, and the president says he is going to mail you a watch. ... And remember, hope!

Bert, I need to change next week's show. ... Forget the lizard dung, next week I'm eating Ponzi.

Arf!

Thank you for seeing me President Madoff. I know you are very busy.



No, not at all! Sit down, Barry. It's not every day I get to chat with the mayor of Allentown. ... Would you like some coffee, some whiskey, a watch? It's a Cartier ...



No, thank you, Mr. President. You're very kind. Actually I need to get back to Allentown for an anniversary celebration.



Ah! The ascension of your former mayor! I read about that. Has it been a year already since the angels carried him to heaven?



It has, and we're working hard on is beatification. ... But I wanted to ask you about something else if I may. ... Some of my constituents invested their savings in your fund ...



Oh, the fund. I have nothing to do with that now. It's all in a blind trust.



My I ask who the administrator is?



Why, Ponzi, of course!



Arf!



He says he ate the money.



Ate it??? PONZI! Bad dog!



Arf.

He says he's sorry.

Geez, it's hard to stay mad at the little guy isn't it?

Parallel Time Presidential Inaugural Gold Coin Available!

Front President Bernard Madoff

Back

First Dog Ponzi

Act Now!

Sounds like the poteen talkin'

Welcome to the Irish Brew Works No. 34. Why the long face, chum?

Hi Flo. I guess this whole O'Bama mayoral inauguration thing has me down.

How so? I think it's great. Our first Irish-American mayor. Can you imagine?

Well that's just it. I should be sharing this with Ronan, or even that idiot, the Irish Tenor. But, no. They went off to non-Parallel Time. ... I was supposed to be Ronan's henchman, you know. It says so right over there in the sidebar.

Yeah. It's sad, I guess. And, by the way. I never thought you were dim-witted! ... Who is this Marge broad he's chasing after anyway.

Thanks, Flo. ... Damned if I know. Some floozy, I guess. He says she ate him when he was a boy in another timeline.

Whatever. Sounds like to poteen talkin' if you ask me. ... If I had that Marge here in front of me, I'd give her what-for! ... I hear she's butt ugly.

I wouldn't know. ... Gimme a shot and a porter, Flo.

You got it, chum. And it's on me. Cheer up.

Thanks, Flo. You're the best. ... Hey did you catch President Madoff's inauguration on the tube?

I did! I really like that old guy. I have a good feeling about him. ... And I just love his little dog, Ponzi.

The Eagles are going to the Superbowl!

Well, it looks like the Eagles are going to play in the Superbowl again. How exciting! What is that, four years in a row now?

Five, if you include the one they lost.

How remarkable! What does it say in the newspaper?

It seems Coach Reid says that because he put the players in the right position to win, he should get all of the credit. Here's the best quote: "I am a frickin' genius," Reid shouted at the media, pounding his shoe on the table in front of him. "This team is undefeated. Without me, they would have been 9-7, maybe even 9-6-1. This is the greatest team in NFL history. Why? Because a me. Me. That's M-E for you sportswriters. Who else but me? McNabb? Please. The Player? I don't think so. Westbrook? Don't make me laugh. Me. Me, me, me. Here's an idea -- why don't you all kiss my big red butt? Here it is. You guys in front might need a wide angle lens. Here it is, Philadelphia. Pucker up!"

Oh my. He certainly gets excited after a big game doesn't he?

There's nothing to blog about

There's nothing to blog about any more, Karl. Parallel Time has become so dull.

Hmmmm. Maybe they somethin in these here newspapers. Mmm. Here's this feller who dresses up as a lion for football games got hisself a drunk drivin ticket. Name a James Sheep.

A Sheep in lion's clothing? Nah. Boring.

Hmmm. This here Vietnamese feller was not guilty a holdin up a rock to save his picnic space when some truck told him to move. Hmm.

Nah. Nothing unusual about that.

Hmmm. Says here Senator Molovinski is tryin to get a grant to build a new spaceport for the Irish Brew Works.

Like Allentown needs two spaceports. That has some potential, but I don't do politics.

Hmmm. Here's this feller Joe Driscoll. He says he's runnin for governor in New York and Massachusetts and senator in New Jersey.

I thought he was from Philadelphia.

I reckon Philadelphia already got itself a governor. Mmm.

Nah. No politics.

Hmmm. Says here crime has been eradicated in Allentown ever since they hired them four new police officers. Hmmm.

Nobody cares about crime. But maybe they should have hired them before Ronan started waterboarding everybody.

Vice President Bennett says she done solved the Middle East conflict.

No -- but I think she deserves a Nobel Peace Prize to go with her Nobel Prize for physics.

Hmmm. There's a story 'bout Joe Timmer.

I don't care about hip-hop.

Hmm. Says here they opened a new visitor center at Congress so's the lawmakers don't have to smell the tourists.

I like that one. Too political?

I reckon. ... Hmmm. Cher ...

No.

Says here some folks say they saw a UFO over Allentown. Hmmm. They said they was riding the monorail over by Hess's and they saw this flyin saucer right over the Twin Tofu Turkey Towers.

Now there's a story. ... But probably no one would believe it and everyone would say I'm a kook. You know I have to guard my credibility. ... Heck with it. I think I'll just go over to the Pawlowski Center and see if I can get tickets for the Flyers-Devils game tonight.

Mmm. Hmmm.

____________________________________________________________________

wqyiopajlkllwfvbiop fjkl;'/,mL;'.

(That was a close call)

A great player and an even greater man

Wow. I never thought the Eagles would get off to a 9-0 start this year, not with all the trouble The Player caused right before the first game.

Well, I'd say it's a testament to his maturity that he took back his words against the fans and donated this year's salary to the poor.

You know, that's just the way he is. A paradigm of reason ... a great player and an even greater man. A true philanthropist. ... I just wish I could get a bet down. Ever since The Irish Tenor crossed over to non-Parallel Time, I've been unable to track down a reliable sports book.

Well I must say I won't miss that fellow Ronan.

... Or that flock of crows that was following him around. What was that all about anyway?

Oh, apparently in non-Parallel Time his ancestor Cuchulainn made enemies with all corvids by killing a flock of their gods -- the sea ravens -- and leaving the head of their leader on the rocks for all to see. Before that, Cuchuilainn was in good favor with the crows, who had helped him on several occasions.

But all of this happened in the other timeline?

That's how I understand it. ... When the mortally wounded Cuchulainn was slain by Lugaid's magic spear, he tied himself to a pillar of rock so that he could die on his feet. Lugaid's soldiers were afraid to approach him until a crow landed on his shoulder and plucked out his eyes, assuring them that he was dead. Lugaid then cut off Cuchulainn's head.

A fitting end, I guess.

Indeed. And here's another one: I'll take that bishop, thank you very much!

Oh, you're very welcome indeed. Check.

Clever. Luckily I have my knight in reserve ... um ... drat, your queen has me penned in!

Good move. I'll take that rook, thanks. Check again.

Goodness gracious! I seem to be in a bit of a pickle. Is that checkmate in three?

Two, actually, maybe one, depending on your next move. Give up? ... Good game anyway! Are you going to the Pawlowski Center to hear Vice President Bennett speak tomorrow?

I concede. ... I wouldn't miss that speech! I hope she brings her Nobel Prize along.

Stranger things have happened. ... OK, see ya then. We'll pick up the monorail outside Tommie Tomorrow's.

Cheerio!

I want my damn mercy!

Jesus gave away my damn seat in heaven to Paul Newman?!? He can't do that. Who the hell does he think he is? I am the Player, damn it! He can't give my damn seat to Paul Newman!!

Junior is a huge movie buff. And Paul Newman, c'mon? 'Cool Hand Luke'? ... Hey, it's OK. You'll get used to Parallel heaven. I mean, sure, it's nowhere near as nice as non-Parallel heaven and they don't have a Diamond Club, but there's a Ruby Tuesday's and you get half-priced wings anytime you want.

Wings?!?! Hell, the Player doesn't eat any damn wings. I'm supposed to be in real heaven where every damn thing I want is free with my Diamond Card and I'm entitled to the use of a super premium automobile.

Yeah, about that. ... Mr. Newman's gonna need that Diamond Club card. You'll really have no use for it in Parallel heaven, anyway. Everyone rides bikes there. ... There's a Country Buffet, did I mention that?

Bikes?!?! Country damn Buffet??? ... No damn Paul Newman is gonna take take my damn Diamond Club card. It's not fair. Jesus himself said if I went to Parallel Time and helped bring back the Green Guy I could be in the Diamond Club! I did everything he said. You trying to tell me Jesus himself can't be trusted?

Hey, he works in mysterious ways, what can I say? Besides, you had plenty of time to go to heaven, but you kept your Lord waiting as you slummed around in the spirit world trying to collect on old debts. It doesn't pay to make Jesus wait. You hurt his feelings.

Hell! This isn't right. Jesus is supposed to be merciful. I want my damn mercy! I did everything I was supposed to do. What about that angel? I saved her ass from Ronan.

He certainly did!

Can it, sister. You're on thin ice as it is. ... Come to think of it, saving the angel was uncharacteristically selfless of you. ... Though I'm not sure you did anybody any favors.

Hey, I saved the damn angel and I want my damn Diamond Club card and I want to be in real damn heaven. ... And I'm sorry I let Jesus down, OK? And I want that seat on his left side, not the right side.

Well, I don't think that's gonna be good enough. ... Hang on, I gotta take this call. ... Hello, yes, yes. OK, I'll put him on. It's for you, Player. I'll put it on speaker.

It better not be damn Truman. Hello?

Hello, Dude. It's Jesus. First off, I want to tell you how grateful we are that you saved the little angel. ...

See??

Shhhh!

... Secondly, I'm afraid we've given away your spot in non-Parallel heaven. I'm sorry dude, but you've had a lot of time to check in and we just assumed you decided not to come. We've given your spot to someone who deserves it.

Paul Newman? Damn! But we were gonna watch the games together. Jesus, please don't leave me in Parallel heaven. I want to to be in the show! I want to be in the Diamond Club!

Well, since you did selflessly save an angel in distress -- and seriously dude I did not see that coming .... Um ... OK here's what we can do. You can come to heaven, but no Diamond Club. Your club card and your seat at my RIGHT hand will go to Mr. Newman. You'll be sitting in general admission.

How far away is that seat? Do I have to ride a damn bicycle?

It's far. ... Listen, I can let you have a gold membership. That entitles you to a full size car, with a possible upgrade. And well drinks only.

Well drinks? Damn. Can I upgrade to a Lexus suvie, or a Hummer, or an Escalade?

No, no and no. Take it or leave it.


Damn.

POOF! You don't like the accommodations in heaven? That's where I come in. How'd you like to play for our team? The Parallel Hell Cowboys. You can have any ride you want. A huge salary, lots of perks. No drug screening. And we'll throw you the damn ball on every play.

Beat it now, while you still have one eye.

Hey, back off, Chewie. Union rules. He ain't in heaven yet, he's still fair game until you walk in the door of Tommy Tomorrow's. So wad'dya say, Player?

You would throw me the ball every play? ... No. You go to hell. You gotta run the damn ball once or twice to open it up for the pass.

Go to hell? Oooh. Ouch. I'm outta here. POOF!

Dude. I'm so proud of you! I see an Escalade in your future. ... But you still get well drinks and general admission.

Do those seats have cupholders?

You bet! ... Hey we're watching 'The Hustler' Sunday. Why don't you come by after and we'll catch the game. ... Hasta luego, dude! ... Oh, and Michael. Deal with the crows, OK?

Damn! ... Did you see that devil's eye?

Where does Junior find these guys?

Crows are murder

In case I wasn't busy enough, Junior tells me Ronan has somehow slipped through hell into non-Parallel Time. Who's supposed to deal with him? Guess. Not to mention the Green Guy is off with the crows somewhere, so I gotta find a buncha damn birds and get him back where he belongs to fix up this whole charlie foxtrot situation with the sixth-dimensional rift. Like I have time to worry about freakin' crows. I don't know why the boss even humors them. Birdbrains. And I don't know if I've mentioned this before, but Uriel is the archangel in charge of animals. Last time I looked, crows were animals. I mean am I missing something here? Of course I thought polar bears were animals, too. Shows how much I know.

I have a call into Uriel as we speak. Has he called me back? No. Too busy not doing his own job. Whoops speak of the devil. This must be him. Sorry, gotta take this call. ... Uriel? Yeah it's me. About the crows ...

Listen, Mike. I know what you're going to say, but the situation with the crows is bigger than just an animal issue. The crows are mythical creatures. They have powers well beyond any other animal, except for bog turtles. Plus they are clearly trying to undermine time itself, which makes it a planetary issue, which is your bailiwick.

Mythical in what way exactly? Like, say, talking polar bear mythical?

Well it goes way back. The crows stayed in the Garden of Eden when Adam and Eve got the boot. I know; I was there. It was my idea to turn their feathers black when they started to eat carrion. I know what you're gonna say but things were different back then. ... And remember the flood? Noah sent crows to fly far out to see if the flood was over. But they never came back. The boss was pretty miffed over that.

I thought Apollo turned their feathers black.

Apollo. Pfah. He wishes. ... The Norse god Odin had crows as his right and left hand men. One group of Native Americans think crows created the world; others see them as gods. ... Crows were powerful symbols to the Egyptians, Romans and Greeks. Europeans saw them as prophets or messengers, especially the Celts. The Irish warrior Cuchulain was nursed to health by crows when he was ill. When he died, a crow landed on his shoulder and plucked out his eyes.

Yawn. What sort of powers are we talking about here?

Time travel, the ability to predict the future, the ability to live in alternate time lines ... stuff like that ... oh, and healing. The crows live in their own realm, apart from time. They can fly from the present into the past or into the future as easily as they fly from tree to tree.

So what am I supposed to do, smite a flock of birds?

They're called murders, not flocks. ... I don't know. You'll have to figure it out. But chances are their intentions are good. They think they've gotten a bum rap through history and they've been trying to get back in God's good graces, mostly by trying to cozy up with Jesus.
Yeah. Junior's a soft touch. I'm babysitting another pal of his as we speak. I don't know where he finds them....

You better not be talking about me!

Good luck with that.

Any idea what the crows would want with the Green Guy?

Zilch, but they seem to be interested in Ronan as well.

Well they better not get too interested in the Irishman cause he has a short shelf life. As soon as I finish with all of these loose ends, Ronan is going to have a smoting problem. ... But first I gotta play Saint Michael the Archnanny and walk the Player to Parallel heaven where I intend to dump him off once and for all.

Excuse me, Mr. boss angel, but I think you mean you are taking me to non-Parallel heaven where Jesus has a seat waitin for me right there beside him.

Uriel, gotta run. Don't work to hard. ... Sorry, pal. Plans have changed. I'm juggling too many crises to walk you all the way back to non-Parallel heaven. Parallel heaven will be good enough for you.

Damn! I'm not goin to some stupid Parallel heaven. Parallel heaven sucks! I'm a Diamond Club member in non-Parallel heaven. I got a seat reserved next to Jesus. I demand to go to non-Parallel heaven!

Yeah, about that seat next to Jesus ... you know those don't open up very often and, um, because you waited so long to finally go to heaven, Jesus ... well, he gave your seat to Paul Newman.

Enjoy your stay in hell

Alright Paddy, keep it quiet and follow me. Luckily I have just the right key for this rusty old lock. Actually I got one key and it works on any old lock I want it to. But wait till ya see the high-tech gizmos we got inside.

You know, lad, an Irishman might consider that a pejorative term.

What, gizmo? ... Oh, for cryin' out loud, a sensitive demon. If ya didn't notice I'm a devil, not Miss Manners. ... Watch your step down the steps there, pal. We're on our way to hell, not an ice cream social. ... Jeez, they keep a lotta junk around here. ...

Some day ye may live regret that attitude, lad.

Yeah, yeah, whatever. I live in hell, remember? Check this out -- ocular recognition sensor. This little thingee scans my eyeball and -- bam -- the door opens and we're in. This is top-of-line stuff right here. I hear in heaven they're still using freakin' swipe cards. Ha! ... After you.

So where are we anyway?

We're on the road to hell, of course. It starts right here in the basement of Croc Rock ... Watch your head. ... There used to be an entrance in Hary's but the city shut us down. ... One more door down the end of this hall and we'll be outta here. ... Another ocular sensor -- I love these things -- and voila!

So this is hell is it, lad? What are these, the warehouses of the damned?

This, nah. This is Macungie. A lotta people make that mistake. ... So what do you plan to do about Marge when you get to non-Parallel Time?

Marge. ... Well I suppose I have to kill her haven't I?

What, for eating you? Man, she musta been hungry. I mean what's the point? ... It wasn't actually you she swallowed, it was the non-parallel you. You, the parallel you that is, went on to live a long and full life of nastiness and evil. ... I mean, she already died in non-Parallel Time. Isn't that enough?

Ye wouldn't understand, devil. Me whole life I looked up to me dear departed sister and to find out now that I was just a snack to her ... nothing more than a bag of crisps.
Sucks to be you, granted. But what do you expect to do with her, whine her to death? She's one badass demon blogger, even if she is frozen in time at the moment. I hear she's like 13 feet tall. I hope you have a big appetite.

Tell me more about this sea monster she's fighting. Can it kill her?

The sea monster? A nasty piecea work, no doubt, but no match for Marge. I mean if she's losing the fight, she'll just get bigger. I wouldn't want to be in non-parallel Allentown right now I'll tell ya that. She'll be tossing buses around if she grows any more.

Ah, but right now she's frozen in time. ... She can't move. And when I get to Parallel Time I'll be able to move just fine, correct?

Absolutely. You'll be free to move about as you please in non-Parallel Time, even if everyone else is frozen. Actually, I hear your pal the Irish Tenor has the run of the place as we speak. In fact, there may not be any beer left. ... Ah, hold up. It's a check point.

State the nature of your business here.

Official transport. Scan my eye, it's all there. ... Hurry it up, Rin Tin Tin, we're on a schedule.

Everything seems to be in order. Have a nice day.

So ye can travel wherever ye like with that eye scanner?

You bet. Check it out: TJI Fridays. This is really cool. We're in the basement of TJI Fridays right now, but when we go upstairs, we'll be in Applebee's, when we walk out the front door, turn around and check out the sign: Bennigan's.

Bennigan's ... a ghastly fake Irish pub. I thought they went out of business.

Not in hell. The damned can't get enough of it. The Monte Cristo is a big seller -- and why not, you can only die once, right? ... Hang on, we're gettin on that LANTA bus. ... Two please. ... So what's the plan, ya gonna to kill her while she's frozen in time?

That wouldn't be sportin' would it? ... No I plan to fight her meself. To the death.

Well, ah, good luck with that. ... We're almost to our stop. ... If you don't mind me askin, what exactly are your demon powers? I mean, I don't see a lot goin on here. Aside from your breath and an extremely devious nature, what do you have to go up against Marge with?
Have ye ever heard of the Celtic warrior Cúchulainn, lad?

Nope. Here we are. This is our stop. The Federal Grill. Let's go around the back. Gotta use the old key on this outside door. ... There. We're in. Watch your step down the stairs. ... See this tunnel? It leads right to basement of non-parallel Croc Rock. Non-Parallel hell is just past that door down there.

Well, I suppose we part soon, then. At any rate I expect you'll be hearin about Cúchulainn soon enough. ... Oh, I nearly forgot. I don't know where me head has been lately. ... I'll be needin' these, lad.

AHHHHHHHH! Jesus crap! You yanked my eye out, you crazy bastard. ... And he took my master key! Hey!!
State the nature of your business in non-parallel hell.
Strictly pleasure, lads.

Enjoy your stay in hell.

There's nothin' this cat won't do for money

Jaysus, Mary and Joseph, would ya look at me place. It's a wreck.

POOF. I don't think they're gonna help ya clean up, Paddy. Top of the mornin to ya. ... Whoa! That's a lotta bird crap!

Ah, it's the good for nothin green devil himself. It seems a whole murder of crows came in through the damn hole that madman poked in me roof. Who was that who wrecked me place? ... I noticed you didn't stick around for the show. I barely escaped with me life.

That, chum, was St. Michael the Archangel, certified, card-carrying heavenly badass. Doesn't look like you hung around too long yourself, or we'd be pickin bird poop off of pieces of that chrome dome of yours.

Where did they go -- back to non-Parallel Time I suppose?

Sorry, pal, but the boys downstairs have a strict no-interference policy. ... So you didn't hear this from me. ... I understand they're going to arrange some kinda seance to repair the sixth-dimensional rift.
I don't suppose they'll be invitin' old Ronan, eh?

Doubtful. ... But a seance is not the only way to get to non-Parallel Time, ya know.

Oh?

Very nonchalant. I like that. You're good. You have quite a following downstairs, ya know. ... Listen I know you have a score to settle with your sister on the other side.

I can't believe me own dear Marge would eat me alive.

So, ah ... As I said, you got quite a following and ... ah ... I might be willing to show you the way. For a price.
I'm listening, lad.

Well, I'm a football fan. American football to you, of course. That's my vice. Heck, everybody in Hell is a football fan. And I'm a huge Dallas fan. I mean the Cowboy's are Hell's team. We have virtually all of their deceased players, plus coach Landry ... And truth be told, we could use a good wide receiver.

American football's your vice, is it? That coming from a green devil ....

That spirit that was here earlier ... the really annoying one? The Player? We could use him on our team.

That arrogant bastard?! How could ya even stand to be around him, lad?

Hey, who cares? As long as we win.

Well what am I supposed to do about it? He's a spirit. I can't even lay me hands on him. Plus he's got that goon Michael holdin his hand.

Here's all ya gotta do. Once he gets back to non-Parallel Time, Michael and the angels will be done with him. I take you over to non-Parallel time and you get him to come back -- alone. We'll take care of the rest.

And how do you expect me to do that?

Money. There's nothin this cat won't do for money. ... Deal?

And how do we get to non-Parallel time without the seance and the sixth-dimensional rift and the rest of that malarky?

Simple. We just take the shortcut through Hell. There's an entrance just a few blocks from here. You'll be there in time for Celtic Classic.

There's a gate to Hell ... right here? In Parallel Allentown?

Sure! Haven't ya ever been to Croc Rock?

Aye, lad, I have. I have indeed. ... Deal.

Marge ate your sorry ass

Caw!
Ah, lads I'm back. Ya see that didn't take long atall. Now, as I pour this water onto this rag here, your angel friend will start to drown. But when I stop pourin the water, she'll come back to us.... At least that's the theory. I have lost a few over the years. After a few times of nearly drownin, maybe she'll be willin to tell old Ronan here how he might get over to non-Parallel time to see his dear sister Marge.

Mmmmm. mmmm.

I didn't catch that, lass. But you'll have a chance for craic after the waterboardin.

She said Marge already ate your sorry ass and you are never gonna go to non-Parallel time. Now you leave that angel alone, freak.

Or what, lad? You'll swing your ethereal fist at me? I can't imagine that would have much effect. Perhaps ye should calm yerself and enjoy the show. POOF! Ah! Who's this, then? Another imaginary friend?

Relax, chum. I was just sent up from the devil's union to observe. Waterboarding an angel? That's down right demonic. ... Between you and me, they're pretty impressed downstairs. There's talk of giving you a medal.

It's all in a day's work isn't it? So tell me, where was yer damn union when me dear sister Marge was killed in that rockslide?

Hey, rules is rules. We only observe. We don't interfere. Well we do interfere, but not as a rule. Ya gotta understand, while Marge was killed here in Parallel Time, you were the one killed in non-Parallel time. So you're both still alive and doing evil works to the detriment of all mankind. Win-win, as the boss likes to say.

So, laddie, how was it that I died in the other time?

Marge ate your damn ass in one gulp, freak! You're nothin but a damn snack!

What's with the spirit? He ain't one of ours.

He's from non-Parallel time ... the three of them.

Ya know, I don't want to take away from your fun here, but when you're done with drownin that angel ... you could cause a lot of trouble if for some reason this green gentleman never sees non-Parallel time again.
Caw! caw!

Hello? Hello? Did someone say my name? Where am I? Am I blindfolded?

It's OK, lad. You were just having a bad dream. You're safe, now. Of course you are tied to a rack in me torture chamber and me face is the last thing you'll ever see before yer slow, agonizing death, but you're safe for now.

Oh, you are good. What's with the crows?

Thanks, lad. The crows? I hadn't noticed. So, lad, ye haven't answered me question. How was it I died in the other world?

Oh, just like he said. Marge ate you.

Take it back. I won't believe it. ... She wouldn't have done that. Not unless she was trapped for days in that cave had to use me dead body for sustenance so that she might live on!

Um, not really. You were only in that cave a couple of minutes before she swallowed you whole. ... I mean, you were much smaller back then.

Never!

Oh, yeah. I'm not crappin' ya pal. Marge is in the hall of fame, even in Parallel Time.

UNHAND THAT ANGEL!

Crap! POOF!

Nice try powder puff, I enjoyed the sound effects. But I've had enough with humoring ghosts for one day. I'll dispense with the torture and I'll be killin these two right now, if you please.

Damn, Michael! You smashed half his torture chamber with one swing of your sword.

Begorra! The big one's for real. I'll be taking me leave.

Mmmmm -- chase him Michael! Smite him! Smite him!

Um, that's not very angelic. Besides, I would be buried in paperwork for months if I smote a semidemon in Parallel Time.

Whoa! This must be a non-smoting area. Ronan said he wanted to come to non-Parallel time to see his sister. But once he found out she ate him, he got pretty pissed off.

Let him come over. Less paperwork.

Hello? Am I still dreaming?

Oh, shut up.

What the hell's going on here?

POOF! Hey, what the hell's going on here?

Help us, we're being tortured.

Damn!

Player, is it you, or some parallel version of yourself. ... Oh I don't care who you might be, hurry and untie us. Ronan just went to the kitchen for a cup of tea.

Damn, who the hell else would I be? I'm a spirit -- thanks to your pal Karl -- I can't help you. And who the hell is Ronan?

Ronan is Marge's brother in Parallel Time. If you are not here to save us, what are you doing in Parallel Time?

Marge has a damn brother? For cryin out loud. Jesus sent me to help you get the green dude out of Parallel Time. Everything is frozen in non-Parallel Time, even Marge. We're supposed to have another damn seance or something to get the Green Guy back and get time moving again. If it works, Jesus is giving me a Diamond Club membership in heaven. I can have anything I want and I won't need no damn money! ... Hell, I can't untie nobody ... I got no hands!

Well, what have we here ... another guardian angel is it? The more the merrier. You'll have to wait your turn on the rack, I'm afraid.

I'm a damn spirit. You can't touch me.

Ah, then I imagine the situation would be mutual. Pull up a chair, lad, while I introduce your angel friend to the joys of waterboarding.

Hey, you leave that little angel alone you, damn freak!

You're welcome to try to to stop me.

Player, do you have your spirit world cell?

Yeah. Unlimited minutes in the spirit world. Whooopdee damn doo. Like I want to talk to any damn spirits. Especially Truman.

Use the the preset speed dial. No. 5 and ask for help!

Time for talk is done, lass. First I put this rag in your mouth, then I place this cloth over your head. ...

Hell, the damn thing don't work!

Mmmm. mmmmm.

I believe the lass said to dial 1 before you hit the preset button. Looks like non-Parallel Time is not a free call. ... I suppose you're going to call some more of your non-corporeal friends to talk my ear off while I try to work. ... Oh dear. We can't perform a proper waterboarding without some water, now can we? I'll just pop downstairs and fetch a bucket. Don't fret, all, I'll be back in a jiff!

Roaming?!? What the ... hello? Hello? This is a collect call. Hey! Pick up the damn phone! ...

(Continued in non-Parallel Time.)

Eeek!

Oh, I see you're conscious again lad. Welcome back. I hope the straps aren't too tight. What's that? Ye can't speak through the gag? Well, I suppose ye couldn't, could you. Let me pull that outta your mouth. ... Better?

Sir, there's no need for torture. I will happily tell you anything you want to know about Marge.

Lad, ye already have. That's what that intravenous setup was for. Good old sodium pentathol. Works every time. And ye don't seem to know too much about her at that. But what I don't understand is how ye can go about braying on and on about a person ye can't possibly know. Me dear sister has been dead many a year now, yet ye claim to have been in the same room with her just a day ago.

I can't explain it. Everything is different here. To me Marge looks just like that woman in the Irish bar.

Old Flo? That's a laugh. I see you're still goin on about your alternate reality. I'm not sure if you're crazy like a fox, or just crazy. ... Oh, me tay's about ready. When I come back we'll get started with the waterboarding.

Waterboarding?!? But I don't know anything!

Calm yourself lad, I know you've told me everything. The waterboarding is just for a wee bit of sport.

POOF! I thought he'd never leave!

Who are you?

I'm your guardian angel. I'm here to get you back to non-Parallel Time.

Non-Parallel Time?

You see you were pulled into a sixth-dimensional rift during your seance. You are now in Parallel Time. It's very different from your world. Actually, it's much nicer in Parallel Time, especially Allentown. Did you notice the monorail? And Hess's?

I knew it! ... And the sports complex! I didn't remember New Jersey Devils moving to Allentown!

Well what have we here? Are ye one of the little people?

I am his guardian angel and I've come to take him back to non-Parallel Time. And you are a bad person!

Well thank you. ... Non-Parallel Time is it? Then this must be Parallel Time. And is this where me sister Marge lives, in non-Parallel Time? I demand you take me to her!

You do not belong in non-Parallel Time. You've been dead there many years. Your sister Marge ate you after a rock slide.

Ate me? Me dear sister Marge ate me? Well I'm sure she had to didn't she. We were probably trapped and I was killed and Marge had to nibble on me dead body to survive.

Hardly. You were both fine. You were only trapped for, like, half an hour. And she ate you whole. One gulp. Nothing left.

I won't believe it, angel. But I'll get the truth outta you. You're going to be a fine subject for the waterboarding.

Eeek!

Buddy, he's all yours

Well, did we enjoy our nap?

Oh, um, yes. I feel quite refreshed ... like a new man!

That doesn't surprise me. I saw this very interesting television program while you were sleeping. Someone who looked quite a bit like you telling Eagles fans to kiss his green ass ...

Karl, let me explain ....

Karl, again? ... You know, I also heard an interesting story about how someone who looked quite a bit like you got himself and and that bookie tossed out of the Irish Brew Works ...

You see ...

Don't interrupt -- I'm on a roll. While these things were happening you were asleep upstairs in the TV room, or the secret room as you call it, although the secret must be out because I watch TV there.

The secret room was apparently only in my reality ...

Your reality? Let's not get ahead of ourselves. In my reality it would seem impossible for a person to be in three places at one time.

I admit, I did go to the Irish Brew Works with Atown-Liker. ...

With me? You went to the Brew Works with me? Funny, I don't recall that.

I mean the Irish Tenor. I went to the bar with the Irish Tenor. He just looks like Atown-Liker.

That guy looks like me? Half the bar thought he was Andy Reid.

He looks like the person who is Atown-Liker in my reality.

And I look like ... Karl?

Yes! To me, you are Karl, the gardener.

You mean Truman? Truman is the gardener.

Truman! Is he here? He could help me return to my reality.

Oh, that I'd like to see. Truman! One of your friends is here to see you.

Hmmmm. mmm.

Dodger! This is R. Dodger, the good for nothing lowlife who poisoned Atown-Liker with a non-alcoholic beer.

That's disgusting!

Hmmm. I don't reckon I know this feller. Hmmm.

And do you plan to poison me with an O'Doul's?

Hmm. I don't reckon I got no reason to kill nobody. Hmmmm.

OK case closed.

Didn't you notice the double negative?

Somebody at the door. Hmmm. Kinder reminds me of a joke. Hmmm. ... I'll git it.

Oh, and the guy on TV ... you know, the kiss-my-ass guy. Who was that, in your reality.

That was me!

So you are The Player?

No, I'm the Green Guy!

I beg your pardon, but I am most certainly the Green Guy.

You!!! It's the Player! He's the one! You should kiss his ass, not mine.

This here feller's name is Ronan. Says this green feller's a friend a him. Hmmmmm.

Ah, there you are. I think we should have a chat. Marge sent me.

The poor fellow seems to have fainted.

Buddy, he's all yours.

Your money's no good here (get the hell out)

Dear me. I have exited the house through a back window and proceeded to Hamilton Street to get my bearings. I'm not sure what has happened to me -- or, rather what has happened to those around me, for I feel quite fine and it is they who are acting out of character.

There is no trace of the secret room in Karl's -- I mean Atown Liker's -- house. And no trace of Marge either, thank goodness, or those horrid polar bear rugs. I can't help but wonder if something happened at that seance. I don't remember anything after that boxer fellow drifted off ....

.

Hamilton Street looks quite strange. Strange, yet beautiful. My word, there's Hess's! It's open for business and looking newer and bigger than ever. I must have a piece of strawberry pie in the Patio .... And what's this? "The Irish Brew Works." Actually there appears to be an Irish Brew Works on every corner, as well as a Tommy Tomorrow's Mexican restaurant. ... Oh my! Is that a monorail?

.

And there on the corner! Do my eyes deceive me? It is Atown-Liker himself, alive and in the flesh! He's there on the corner of Ninth and Hamilton carrying a sandwich board sign that reads "Allentown is NOT Nice." Can it be?

Mr. Liker! Over here! Oh thank heavens, you are alive!

Saints preserve us, laddie, alive I am. Would ye have a reason to believe otherwise? Though I am dyin' of thirst. The Irish Tenor is me name.

It's me, the Green Guy. Don't you recognize me?

Ah yes, green ye are. Ye certainly are that. Forty shades o' green in fact, just like me beloved Emerald Isle. But perhaps I could remember ye better, laddie, over a wee drink. Parched I am, parched indeed.

Why do you carry that sandwich board? Have you become a naysayer? I thought you were an apologist. What does it say on the other side ... "The World is About to End"? Oh my word. This doesn't sound like you at all.

Ah this sign. Why, Ronan himself gave it to me to carry. Carry this sign he says to meself and I'll give ye a bottle of Jameson's. Don't carry he says and I'll kill ye where ye stand. You know, lad, a wee drop of the stuff at the Irish Brew Works yonder may may jog my memory. ...
Fine, we'll have a drink. ... Barkeep! A glass of Irish whiskey for my compatriot and a sloe gin fizz for myself. ... Oh my. I don't seem to have any money ... OH MY LORD, NO!! NO!!!!!!

Your money's no good here, Player. This is an Eagles bar! E-A-G-L-E-S EAGLES!!!!! We're honored to have yuhs here. Everything for you and your pal here is on me. HEY! Everybody look who's here -- it's THE PLAYER!!!!

FLY EAGLES FLY, ON THE ROAD TO VICTORY, FIGHT EAGLES FIGHT, SCORE A TOUCHDOWN ONE, TWO, THREE ....

Oh my. I can't breathe. The bartender ... what is her name?

Ah that's Flo, a fine lass she is. Do ye fancy her? I've done work as a babhdóir, I'll have ye know. I can arrange a match for ye for a small fee?

Good Lord, no. She simply reminded me of someone ....

.

... E-A-G-L-E-S, EAGLES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

.

Ah, fine. I may have a go at her meself, then. You're a popular man, you are, with all a these good people buying our drinks and chanting your name.

You, know ... a fellow could get used to this, couldn't he? The adulation ... and this beautiful city of yours. Tell me who is this Ronan and how could he possibly find anything to be wanting in a place as beautiful as this?

Ronan? There's a hard lad, that one. If you don't know him, consider yourself lucky. Not a fella you'd want to meet. Trust me. Begorra, since we're so popular I think we could do with a couple a steaks. .... Ah saints preserve us, laddie, you're on television!

I've been carrying this damn team on my back for too long. I won three damn Superbowls by my damn self. Enough's enough. I'm not gonna play another game till I get more money. Last year when McNabb left the game with a nervous stomach in the fourth quarter I had to play receiver AND quarterback. I had to throw the damn game-winning touchdown to MYSELF. I think every player on this team should give back half their pay and all that money should go to me. And I don't care about the damn fans either. They should all pay me too. All you Eagles fans out there can kiss my green ass!

(Stunned silence.)

Well laddie, I think it's time to be gettin back to me corner. Flo, I'd like to have that steak to go.

Gulp.

You ungrateful bastard! You get the hell outta my bar and don't come back! And take Andy Reid here with you. Sonofabitch!

You don't sound like yourself

Good, you're awake. Now would you mind telling me what you are doing in my house?


Karl?
Who's Karl? I don't know any Karl. My name is Atown-Liker and I found you unconscious at my dining room table about two hours ago.
Karl, you ... you don't sound like yourself. Where are the others ... and the little polar bear, Maximillian? What has he learned?
Oh boy. Did you eat another bottle of pain killers? Listen to me. I'll talk real slow:
You are The Player. You play for the Eagles. You are the team's most valuable player and because of you they have won the last three Superbowls. You claim to be the best football player of all time, though woefully underpaid. Despite being a personal friend of Jesus, you are an arrogant, petulant, mercenary, egomaniacal asshole. I found you unconscious here in that chair at my table and I have no idea how you got in here or why. I don't know anyone named Karl and the only baby polar bear I know of is that nasty one in the German zoo. And the only Max Baer I know of was on the Beverly Hillbillies. Does any of this ring a bell?




Karl, you are quite the prankster. Did Truman put you up to this? But enough levity, please tell me what happened at the seance. That's the last thing I remember. We were calling on Maxwell's elder spirit when I apparently fainted. Did we speak with the older Maxwell? Did he tell us how we might defeat Marge? And what of the sea monster? Is she getting closer?
A seance? Here? The elder Maxwell -- you mean the boxer? Marge ... a sea monster? Howbout I call 911 and get you an ambulance from the nervous hospital. With any luck they won't send code enforcement.





No please. Do not alert the authorities. It was the ... ah ... pain pills. Yes, the pain pills indeed. I just need a little bit of rest until the pain pills wear off. No need to create a scandal and hurt the team, right? Perhaps I could rest here for a bit ... in the secret room? You do have one of those I hope.
God, you're more of a looney than I even imagined. OK, fine, you can crash upstairs in the TV room, or the secret room or whatever you want to call it, but you gotta sign a football for my nephew. Hope you're not allergic to cats.






Oh, sign away I shall! Sign, sign, sign. I'll be as busy as a beaver. And I just love cats, especially of the time-traveling variety. ... I shall kick a home run just for you, by gosh I shall! Thank you, Mr. Liker. You are a true fan indeed.







Holy crap, this guy's a mess. Hey Green Guy, did you catch any of that?





Quite enough, I'd say. It seems our football hero is something of an eccentric, to put it mildly. What was that he said about a little polar bear? And a seance? I'd say this fellow is quite deranged.






Hmmmm. To say the least. Hey, call the Irish Tenor and see if I can't get $100 AGAINST the Birds this week. And I don't care about the spread. ... Hey how would he know Truman anyway?

Good question. I'll go out to the shed and ask him.