Thursday, March 19, 2009

Ode of the toilet

So you're trying to tell us you swam here from non-Parallel time through a toilet?


An underground toilet. yes.



Cool. I crawled into a toilet once. It was awesome.


We don't want to hear about your love life, Bourdain.

You see, I was a sea creature engaged in a death struggle with an evil demon ...



Cool!

Is it possible I may have some clothing? ... Atown-Liker has not yet arrived?

Ah! You must be the Countess of Monaco, from non-Parallel Time. I've heard so much about you. ... Allow me to introduce myself. I am the Green Guy. Atown-Liker is detained at a hockey game and shall join us later. ... And I brought you a robe.

You, sir, are a gentleman. The Green Guy in non-Parallel Time is actually a dear friend of mine. A lovely man such as yourself, but green. Decidedly so.

Countess, you are too kind. I've actually had the pleasure of meeting your friend and, yes, he is quite green.

Tell us more about the toilet!

Yes, of course, the toilet. ... You see, I was fighting the demon Marge -- and winning I might add -- when she hit me with the Butz helicopter. I fell into the Butz building and it exploded and collapsed on top of me. ... I found myself in an underground passageway. ... This is a lovely robe. Is it Turkish?

But of course. It's from the French Room at Hess's. A beautiful robe fit for a beautiful countess, such as yourself.

Oh, brother ...

Ah, you are a lovely man, indeed. We must go shopping at this French Room of yours. ... Where was I? Oh yes. The tunnel. I crawled through the tunnel and I began to feel myself change. You see, the reprehensible Dodger had transformed me into a horrific sea creature when he injected me with an amphibian growth hormone while I was recovering from a cosmetic procedure in Monaco. He was actually trying to kill me on orders from Marge, but he apparently injected me with the incorrect syringe. Later, just before I bit his head off, he injected me again, incorrectly, again, I would assume. Honestly, that vile creature has no talent as a henchman.

Yawn .... We're not getting any younger here, princess -- especially you ...

Of course, my dear, I shall continue. Apparently a 30 minute meal requires a 30 second attention span. ... You see, as I crawled through this abandoned tunnel, I could feel my body begin to transform. I became smaller and my scales began to recede. I came to an underground lavatory. It must have been somewhere along Hamilton Street ....

Of course! The underground public lavatories at Seventh and Hamilton streets. They are still operation here in Parallel Time. They provide a welcome respite for the weary shopper in our bustling downtown.

Those must be the ones. They are abandoned in non-Parallel Time. But they are guarded by an attendant -- actually a skeleton in in a bathroom attendant's uniform.

Could it be old Donovan?

I don't know his name. He offered me a moist towelette and told me the commode was a passage to Parallel Time. The lavatory began to collapse around me so I dove into the toilet. ... And now I am here.
How fascinating!

Did he say anything else?

He said something else, but I did not understand. ... But I remember the word "Newman."

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