Parallel Time: May 2009

Friday, May 15, 2009

No more half-price wings

Nice digs ya got here Newman. Weren't these the Tofu Turkey Towers? You've done pretty well for yourself.

I am Lord Newman. Depart from me now demon!

Um ....That crap don't work with me.

I am your God! You shall kneel before me!

That reverb is pretty impressive, I must admit. Now try this. Shut the hell up while I'm talkin to you, a-hole! You ain't no god.

Jesus has made me the Lord of Parallel Time.

Yeah yeah. Jesus may act like a rube sometimes but he's not in the business of givin away the store. No matter what you put in those chips. You're more like a demigod. For instance, I hear Ponzi got away from you. Do you know where he is?

No.

See? God would know that. Your pal Gabriel, did you know he was eaten by a polar right outside of Santa's workshop? ... I thought not. See? Demigod.

Gabriel, killed?? I shall kill all polar bears!

Save it, chum. They'll eat you alive. ... Hell, Santa would kick your ass, demigod.

I don't believe in Santa Claus.

From now on, you do.

But I can fly! I can disappear at will. My face appears in the clouds ...

Parlour tricks. And careful with that whole poofing thing. You could end up with your head stuck in a wall. Can you walk on water?

Well, no.

Jesus can. Hell, the mayor of this town can do that. What's his name ... O'Bama?

He can? ... But I have the the Celestial Locking Protocols.

Bingo! That's what we're here to talk about. My boss is very happy that you've locked down Parallel Time. You see, now Jesus and the rest of those other deities can't come over here and get in our business. ... We need you to keep those gates locked.

I was planning to do that.

Good. And a few other things. We don't want no more angels runnin around down here on earth. They get in our way. And I want you to raise taxes in Parallel Heaven.

I don't think they have any taxes.

They do now. And you and my boss can split the profits. ... And that TJI Fridays up there? No more half-price wings.

That's going make some people very upset. ... I'm not sure.

... But we'll be the replacing all the vendors. Every scrap of food in Heaven will be Newman's Own.

Hmmm.

You see, Pauly. We don't look at this as a takeover. We like to think of it as a merger between heaven and hell. ... And you, of course, will still be in charge of our heaven branch.

Deal ... on one condition. Tell me where Ponzi is.

Ponzi? Oh right. Them TV chefs found him. Plannin' to eat him again. You ever get that 50 billion?

Not yet.

Well, guess what. chum? You find it, you keep it. ... And you didn't believe in Santa Claus.

You have entered Parallel Time

While the demon Marge presides over the stick-by-stick destruction of non-Parallel Allentown, things are really nice over here in Parallel Allentown. Parallel Allentown has a monorail, two space ports, a hockey arena that is home to the Jersey Devils, an entire minor league baseball league, the world headquarters of several Fortune 100 corporations (including Tofu Turkeys and the world’s largest horse-processing plant, the Glue Works), dozens of theme and amusement parks, including the Whoo-Hoo Works, a string of glittering riverfront resorts, the world's largest department store (Hess's Dammit), 18 Irish Brew Works and several Tommie Tomorrow's Mexican eateries. The town is also famous for the milk it produces at its state-of-the-art dairy facility, the Moo Works. Allentown is also known for having the realm’s largest concentration of TV chefs per square acre. The city is home to Parallel Time's most prominent blogger, Parallel Atown-Liker, and his team of intrepid diarists. Allentown's first Irish mayor, Barry O'Bama, once walked across Lake Muhlenberg, but lately he’s been up to his knees in goose shit. The city’s previous mayor, whose name may only be spoken on sanctified ground, has been beatified after being carried to heaven by angels during a ground-breaking ceremony. He has been credited with legalizing prostitution in Parallel Time and establishing Allentown's first legal brothel, the Screw Works. Now that Ronan and the Irish Tenor have left the realm, the crime rate here is 0. ... However, not all is well. Incursions from Non-parallel Time have shaken this once-tranquil Camelot. Deceased non-Parallel actor Paul Newman has declared himself Lord of Parallel Time, taking over the Twin Tofu Turkey Towers and converting them to The Pew Works, a church dedicated to worshipping himself. He canceled half-price wings in Parallel Heaven and initiated the Celestial Lockdown Protocols, barring all travel between the realms. His dog, Ponzi, has stolen more than $50 billion from President Madoff and has barely escaped several attempts by the TV chefs to eat him. Though the Celestial Lockdown Protocols have insulated Lord Newman from any attempts by non-Parallel Heaven (which nominally rules Parallel Heaven) to remove him from power, it has also prevented the Crows from carrying out their somewhat vague but nefarious plans. Typically the Crows can fly through space and time, going from realm to realm as easily as they fly from tree to tree. The protocols have prevented the Crows from traveling between realms, prompting Bramwell, the Lord of the Crows, to befriend Mrs. Egram, the proto Marge who has emerged from an alternate timeline created by several clumsy attempts by a band of time travelers from non-Parallel time to kill her. Mrs. Egram had hoped to travel from alternate Parallel Time to non-alternate Parallel Time using a transphasic freight elevator hidden in the underground rest station (The Poo Works) that links Parallel and non-Parallel Time and is guarded, respectively, by Donovan and Old Donovan -- her theory being that all alternate timelines intersect with the one non-alternate timeline in the bathroom beneath center square, which is really more of a circle. Her goal is to confront Marge, who she believes has acted badly by destroying non-Parallel Allentown and has cast shame upon the good name of the Egram family, who are descended from proud caste of vampires and assorted demons and semidemons. Bramwell convinced Mrs. Egram to allow him to accompany her and her companions (part of the group who created her by botching two attempts to kill her in an earlier stage of her life) on a transphasic elevator ride that he had secretly re-routed. Bramwell double-crossed the group, exiting the elevator in the Realm of the Really Big Crows and leaving Mrs. Egram's group, including their pet dinosaur, Scrapple (a gift from Jesus during a stop in the prehistoric past), to be destroyed in a transphasic bubble that was about to burst. Meanwhile, sensing a threat from the Crows as well as the realization of apocalyptic prophesies, Parallel Pope Boneyface has moved Vatican operations to the South Pole, where the intense cold freezes the crows' little bodies before they can do much damage. They fall to the icy ground and are eaten by jackass penguins. As a result of the threat posed by the crows, Jesus has allowed part of a team led by Agent Bauer to bypass the protocols. Using transphasic toilet travel, Bauer was sent to the South Pole to help prepare for any incursions there by the Crows, learning in the process that Newman was secretly sent by Jesus to Parallel Time to keep tabs on the Crows and their ties to elements in Parallel and non-Parallel Hell. Atown Liker and the Player were sent to Parallel Allentown to bring Newman to the South Pole to join with Bauer and Pope Boneyface. However, three of their team members, Rudolph, Gen. Trexler and the angel Bubbles, were prevented from making the trip when they could not answer Old Donovan’s questions. Rudolf and Trexler were condemned to Hell, while Bubbles was condemned to the Macungies. All three were later rescued by extraction teams sent by Jesus in a blog entry that has mysteriously never been seen, even in flash-back form. Mrs. Egram’s group was saved from from oblivion when Scrapple was snatched from their elevator by a transphasic bubble, which set off an alarm that alerted St. Onslo to shut down the system, leaving the elevator to crash-land in the rest station in non-alternate Parallel Time. Tiring of Mrs. Egram’s demands to be sent to non-alternate non-Parallel time, Onslo sent the team via toilet to the only place that could still be accessed by the faulty system – the non-alternate Parallel South Pole. The TV chef Andrew, who was having lunch in one of the stalls, was also transported to the South Pole accidentally. Meanwhile, now in the Realm of the Really Big Crows, Bramwell traveled to the North Pole where he attempted to use a transpolar destabilizer to open a rift that would allow him to travel to the South Pole in Parallel Time (see Shish Kebob Theory). However, he and his No. 1 henchcrow came under fire from Santa Claus after Bramwell had subdued one of Santa’s polar bears. One of Santa’s bullets struck the destabilizer, opening a small rift that pulled the henchcrow into the same transphasic bubble occupied by Scrapple, who had become self-aware with the ability to reason and speak. That bubble then burst, leaving the two in the Parallel South Pole wilderness, where Scrapple promptly ate Bramwell’s second-in-command. Avoiding a drunken Santa’s bullets, Bramwell finally got the destabilizer to function and escaped to the Parallel South Pole. Narrowly surviving an encounter with Scrapple, Bramwell has accessed the Vatican basement through a crevice and seeks to free the Great White Crow, which was imprisoned under the ice after its epic battle with the Irish warrior Cuchulain, many eons ago.

Parallel Time

Friday, May 15, 2009

No more half-price wings

You have entered Parallel Time

No. 1 Rated Blog in Parallel Time

Some History

Characters

Blog Archive

A Christmas Carol

*