Parallel Time

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Death to Ponzi!

Hey, boss. This is my friend Ernie. He's gonna help us snag the pooch.

Great. Glad to have you on board, Ernie. Where's Bacon?

Here I am, Andrew. You probably didn't recognize me in my disguise.

Um, yeah. Nice hat.

OK. Ponzi's leaving the Parallel Westminster Dog Show today in Allentown. When he comes out of the hotel we're gonna snatch him. Here's the plan: Bacon, you drive the truck. Andrew will pretend he's doing a man-on-the-street taste test between deep fried hamster and guinea pig scrotums. He'll offer the scrotums to Ponzi's security guards to distract them. Then Ernie and I will rush in and grab the dog. We'll take Ponzi back to the network test kitchen. If he doesn't pay us what he owes, then, bam, Andrew will cook Ponzi up and eat him just like he ate our money.

Death to Ponzi!

Ponzi is a bad dog.

He certainly is.

And he's liable to be quite palatable. All right, everybody. Let's go!

Friday, February 6, 2009

6 Degrees of Ponzi

Hello, Mr. Sedgwick? This is Bert.

Um, just call me Kev, OK?

Sure Kev. Listen, I heard about your situation with that little dog, Ponzi.

Can you believe that mutt? I thought we were pals. Did you know he ate Larry King's money too? ... Larry King was in "Contact" with John Hurt and John Hurt was in "New York, I Love You" with me. So Ponzi has a Bacon number of 3.

Um, actually. You gave him the money yourself, so there's no degree of separation at all, really.

Oh ... right. OK. He's a 1 then. ... Hey, that makes it even worse!

And he thinks he can get away with it because he's cute. Well, actually he is pretty cute. ... But my boss and I both lost a bundle when Ponzi ate that money. And we have a plan. ...

Dude, whatever it is count me in. ... Hey, did you know your boss has a Bacon number of 4? Anthony Bourdaine was on his TV show. Bourdaine was in "Far Cry" with Kimani Ray Smith. Smith was in "Scary Movie 4" with Cloris Leacman and Cloris was in "New York I love You" with me.

Actually his number is 2. He was on the "Tonight Show" with Felicity Huffman in 2007 and she was on the "Golden Globes" in 2007 with you.

Well, if you count awards shows. Jeez.

Hey, you counted the Travel Network, for Christ's sake.

Bite me, fuzzball.

Up yours, "Footloose" boy! My foot is gonna have a Bacon number of 0 with your ass in a minute! ... Um, gotta go. Nice talkin to ya. Bye.

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

I'm going to need that bucket

That's all the time we have for the show this week, folks. I bet you didn't know there were so many ways to cook mouse hearts! Or eat them raw if you like, with a sprinkling of parrot pee. Yum. ... And Don't forget to join us next week when I'll be showing you how to eat reptile poop! Until then, I'm Andrew Zinzendorf and this is "The Most Disgusting Things You Can Put in Your Mouth"!

Clear! That's a wrap! Great show, Andrew. Do you need a bucket?

Not today, Bert. I'm good. Great show everybody!

Mayor O'Bama is waiting to see you. Good news I hope.

Bring him in.

A pleasure to meet you, Mr. Zinzendorf. My family and I are big fans of your show. We love to watch you eat horrible, horrible things -- like the time you ate the hooves right off a goat.

A little bit of cloves and butter and those hooves are quite palatable. ... So Mayor, any news about my investments?

I met with President Madoff and, well, the news isn't good. The fund is gone. It seems that his little dog Ponzi ate it.

Ate it? Fifty billion dollars? How could a dog eat something like that?

He's really a cute little guy, that Ponzi. It's hard to stay mad at the little rascal.

Andrew are you OK?

I think I'm going to need that bucket, Bert.

Well Mr. Zinzedorf I can see that you're busy, so I'll be leaving. ... Oh, and the president says he is going to mail you a watch. ... And remember, hope!

Bert, I need to change next week's show. ... Forget the lizard dung, next week I'm eating Ponzi.

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Arf!

Thank you for seeing me President Madoff. I know you are very busy.

No, not at all! Sit down, Barry. It's not every day I get to chat with the mayor of Allentown. ... Would you like some coffee, some whiskey, a watch? It's a Cartier ...

No, thank you, Mr. President. You're very kind. Actually I need to get back to Allentown for an anniversary celebration.

Ah! The ascension of your former mayor! I read about that. Has it been a year already since the angels carried him to heaven?

It has, and we're working hard on is beatification. ... But I wanted to ask you about something else if I may. ... Some of my constituents invested their savings in your fund ...

Oh, the fund. I have nothing to do with that now. It's all in a blind trust.

My I ask who the administrator is?

Why, Ponzi, of course!

Arf!

He says he ate the money.

Ate it??? PONZI! Bad dog!

Arf.

He says he's sorry.

Geez, it's hard to stay mad at the little guy isn't it?

You have entered Parallel Time

While the demon Marge presides over the stick-by-stick destruction of non-Parallel Allentown, things are really nice over here in Parallel Allentown. Parallel Allentown has a monorail, two space ports, a hockey arena that is home to the Jersey Devils, an entire minor league baseball league, the world headquarters of several Fortune 100 corporations (including Tofu Turkeys and the world’s largest horse-processing plant, the Glue Works), dozens of theme and amusement parks, including the Whoo-Hoo Works, a string of glittering riverfront resorts, the world's largest department store (Hess's Dammit), 18 Irish Brew Works and several Tommie Tomorrow's Mexican eateries. The town is also famous for the milk it produces at its state-of-the-art dairy facility, the Moo Works. Allentown is also known for having the realm’s largest concentration of TV chefs per square acre. The city is home to Parallel Time's most prominent blogger, Parallel Atown-Liker, and his team of intrepid diarists. Allentown's first Irish mayor, Barry O'Bama, once walked across Lake Muhlenberg, but lately he’s been up to his knees in goose shit. The city’s previous mayor, whose name may only be spoken on sanctified ground, has been beatified after being carried to heaven by angels during a ground-breaking ceremony. He has been credited with legalizing prostitution in Parallel Time and establishing Allentown's first legal brothel, the Screw Works. Now that Ronan and the Irish Tenor have left the realm, the crime rate here is 0. ... However, not all is well. Incursions from Non-parallel Time have shaken this once-tranquil Camelot. Deceased non-Parallel actor Paul Newman has declared himself Lord of Parallel Time, taking over the Twin Tofu Turkey Towers and converting them to The Pew Works, a church dedicated to worshipping himself. He canceled half-price wings in Parallel Heaven and initiated the Celestial Lockdown Protocols, barring all travel between the realms. His dog, Ponzi, has stolen more than $50 billion from President Madoff and has barely escaped several attempts by the TV chefs to eat him. Though the Celestial Lockdown Protocols have insulated Lord Newman from any attempts by non-Parallel Heaven (which nominally rules Parallel Heaven) to remove him from power, it has also prevented the Crows from carrying out their somewhat vague but nefarious plans. Typically the Crows can fly through space and time, going from realm to realm as easily as they fly from tree to tree. The protocols have prevented the Crows from traveling between realms, prompting Bramwell, the Lord of the Crows, to befriend Mrs. Egram, the proto Marge who has emerged from an alternate timeline created by several clumsy attempts by a band of time travelers from non-Parallel time to kill her. Mrs. Egram had hoped to travel from alternate Parallel Time to non-alternate Parallel Time using a transphasic freight elevator hidden in the underground rest station (The Poo Works) that links Parallel and non-Parallel Time and is guarded, respectively, by Donovan and Old Donovan -- her theory being that all alternate timelines intersect with the one non-alternate timeline in the bathroom beneath center square, which is really more of a circle. Her goal is to confront Marge, who she believes has acted badly by destroying non-Parallel Allentown and has cast shame upon the good name of the Egram family, who are descended from proud caste of vampires and assorted demons and semidemons. Bramwell convinced Mrs. Egram to allow him to accompany her and her companions (part of the group who created her by botching two attempts to kill her in an earlier stage of her life) on a transphasic elevator ride that he had secretly re-routed. Bramwell double-crossed the group, exiting the elevator in the Realm of the Really Big Crows and leaving Mrs. Egram's group, including their pet dinosaur, Scrapple (a gift from Jesus during a stop in the prehistoric past), to be destroyed in a transphasic bubble that was about to burst. Meanwhile, sensing a threat from the Crows as well as the realization of apocalyptic prophesies, Parallel Pope Boneyface has moved Vatican operations to the South Pole, where the intense cold freezes the crows' little bodies before they can do much damage. They fall to the icy ground and are eaten by jackass penguins. As a result of the threat posed by the crows, Jesus has allowed part of a team led by Agent Bauer to bypass the protocols. Using transphasic toilet travel, Bauer was sent to the South Pole to help prepare for any incursions there by the Crows, learning in the process that Newman was secretly sent by Jesus to Parallel Time to keep tabs on the Crows and their ties to elements in Parallel and non-Parallel Hell. Atown Liker and the Player were sent to Parallel Allentown to bring Newman to the South Pole to join with Bauer and Pope Boneyface. However, three of their team members, Rudolph, Gen. Trexler and the angel Bubbles, were prevented from making the trip when they could not answer Old Donovan’s questions. Rudolf and Trexler were condemned to Hell, while Bubbles was condemned to the Macungies. All three were later rescued by extraction teams sent by Jesus in a blog entry that has mysteriously never been seen, even in flash-back form. Mrs. Egram’s group was saved from from oblivion when Scrapple was snatched from their elevator by a transphasic bubble, which set off an alarm that alerted St. Onslo to shut down the system, leaving the elevator to crash-land in the rest station in non-alternate Parallel Time. Tiring of Mrs. Egram’s demands to be sent to non-alternate non-Parallel time, Onslo sent the team via toilet to the only place that could still be accessed by the faulty system – the non-alternate Parallel South Pole. The TV chef Andrew, who was having lunch in one of the stalls, was also transported to the South Pole accidentally. Meanwhile, now in the Realm of the Really Big Crows, Bramwell traveled to the North Pole where he attempted to use a transpolar destabilizer to open a rift that would allow him to travel to the South Pole in Parallel Time (see Shish Kebob Theory). However, he and his No. 1 henchcrow came under fire from Santa Claus after Bramwell had subdued one of Santa’s polar bears. One of Santa’s bullets struck the destabilizer, opening a small rift that pulled the henchcrow into the same transphasic bubble occupied by Scrapple, who had become self-aware with the ability to reason and speak. That bubble then burst, leaving the two in the Parallel South Pole wilderness, where Scrapple promptly ate Bramwell’s second-in-command. Avoiding a drunken Santa’s bullets, Bramwell finally got the destabilizer to function and escaped to the Parallel South Pole. Narrowly surviving an encounter with Scrapple, Bramwell has accessed the Vatican basement through a crevice and seeks to free the Great White Crow, which was imprisoned under the ice after its epic battle with the Irish warrior Cuchulain, many eons ago.

Parallel Time

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Death to Ponzi!

Friday, February 6, 2009

6 Degrees of Ponzi

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

I'm going to need that bucket

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Arf!

You have entered Parallel Time

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