Crows are murder

In case I wasn't busy enough, Junior tells me Ronan has somehow slipped through hell into non-Parallel Time. Who's supposed to deal with him? Guess. Not to mention the Green Guy is off with the crows somewhere, so I gotta find a buncha damn birds and get him back where he belongs to fix up this whole charlie foxtrot situation with the sixth-dimensional rift. Like I have time to worry about freakin' crows. I don't know why the boss even humors them. Birdbrains. And I don't know if I've mentioned this before, but Uriel is the archangel in charge of animals. Last time I looked, crows were animals. I mean am I missing something here? Of course I thought polar bears were animals, too. Shows how much I know.

I have a call into Uriel as we speak. Has he called me back? No. Too busy not doing his own job. Whoops speak of the devil. This must be him. Sorry, gotta take this call. ... Uriel? Yeah it's me. About the crows ...

Listen, Mike. I know what you're going to say, but the situation with the crows is bigger than just an animal issue. The crows are mythical creatures. They have powers well beyond any other animal, except for bog turtles. Plus they are clearly trying to undermine time itself, which makes it a planetary issue, which is your bailiwick.

Mythical in what way exactly? Like, say, talking polar bear mythical?

Well it goes way back. The crows stayed in the Garden of Eden when Adam and Eve got the boot. I know; I was there. It was my idea to turn their feathers black when they started to eat carrion. I know what you're gonna say but things were different back then. ... And remember the flood? Noah sent crows to fly far out to see if the flood was over. But they never came back. The boss was pretty miffed over that.

I thought Apollo turned their feathers black.

Apollo. Pfah. He wishes. ... The Norse god Odin had crows as his right and left hand men. One group of Native Americans think crows created the world; others see them as gods. ... Crows were powerful symbols to the Egyptians, Romans and Greeks. Europeans saw them as prophets or messengers, especially the Celts. The Irish warrior Cuchulain was nursed to health by crows when he was ill. When he died, a crow landed on his shoulder and plucked out his eyes.

Yawn. What sort of powers are we talking about here?

Time travel, the ability to predict the future, the ability to live in alternate time lines ... stuff like that ... oh, and healing. The crows live in their own realm, apart from time. They can fly from the present into the past or into the future as easily as they fly from tree to tree.

So what am I supposed to do, smite a flock of birds?

They're called murders, not flocks. ... I don't know. You'll have to figure it out. But chances are their intentions are good. They think they've gotten a bum rap through history and they've been trying to get back in God's good graces, mostly by trying to cozy up with Jesus.
Yeah. Junior's a soft touch. I'm babysitting another pal of his as we speak. I don't know where he finds them....

You better not be talking about me!

Good luck with that.

Any idea what the crows would want with the Green Guy?

Zilch, but they seem to be interested in Ronan as well.

Well they better not get too interested in the Irishman cause he has a short shelf life. As soon as I finish with all of these loose ends, Ronan is going to have a smoting problem. ... But first I gotta play Saint Michael the Archnanny and walk the Player to Parallel heaven where I intend to dump him off once and for all.

Excuse me, Mr. boss angel, but I think you mean you are taking me to non-Parallel heaven where Jesus has a seat waitin for me right there beside him.

Uriel, gotta run. Don't work to hard. ... Sorry, pal. Plans have changed. I'm juggling too many crises to walk you all the way back to non-Parallel heaven. Parallel heaven will be good enough for you.

Damn! I'm not goin to some stupid Parallel heaven. Parallel heaven sucks! I'm a Diamond Club member in non-Parallel heaven. I got a seat reserved next to Jesus. I demand to go to non-Parallel heaven!

Yeah, about that seat next to Jesus ... you know those don't open up very often and, um, because you waited so long to finally go to heaven, Jesus ... well, he gave your seat to Paul Newman.

Enjoy your stay in hell

Alright Paddy, keep it quiet and follow me. Luckily I have just the right key for this rusty old lock. Actually I got one key and it works on any old lock I want it to. But wait till ya see the high-tech gizmos we got inside.

You know, lad, an Irishman might consider that a pejorative term.

What, gizmo? ... Oh, for cryin' out loud, a sensitive demon. If ya didn't notice I'm a devil, not Miss Manners. ... Watch your step down the steps there, pal. We're on our way to hell, not an ice cream social. ... Jeez, they keep a lotta junk around here. ...

Some day ye may live regret that attitude, lad.

Yeah, yeah, whatever. I live in hell, remember? Check this out -- ocular recognition sensor. This little thingee scans my eyeball and -- bam -- the door opens and we're in. This is top-of-line stuff right here. I hear in heaven they're still using freakin' swipe cards. Ha! ... After you.

So where are we anyway?

We're on the road to hell, of course. It starts right here in the basement of Croc Rock ... Watch your head. ... There used to be an entrance in Hary's but the city shut us down. ... One more door down the end of this hall and we'll be outta here. ... Another ocular sensor -- I love these things -- and voila!

So this is hell is it, lad? What are these, the warehouses of the damned?

This, nah. This is Macungie. A lotta people make that mistake. ... So what do you plan to do about Marge when you get to non-Parallel Time?

Marge. ... Well I suppose I have to kill her haven't I?

What, for eating you? Man, she musta been hungry. I mean what's the point? ... It wasn't actually you she swallowed, it was the non-parallel you. You, the parallel you that is, went on to live a long and full life of nastiness and evil. ... I mean, she already died in non-Parallel Time. Isn't that enough?

Ye wouldn't understand, devil. Me whole life I looked up to me dear departed sister and to find out now that I was just a snack to her ... nothing more than a bag of crisps.
Sucks to be you, granted. But what do you expect to do with her, whine her to death? She's one badass demon blogger, even if she is frozen in time at the moment. I hear she's like 13 feet tall. I hope you have a big appetite.

Tell me more about this sea monster she's fighting. Can it kill her?

The sea monster? A nasty piecea work, no doubt, but no match for Marge. I mean if she's losing the fight, she'll just get bigger. I wouldn't want to be in non-parallel Allentown right now I'll tell ya that. She'll be tossing buses around if she grows any more.

Ah, but right now she's frozen in time. ... She can't move. And when I get to Parallel Time I'll be able to move just fine, correct?

Absolutely. You'll be free to move about as you please in non-Parallel Time, even if everyone else is frozen. Actually, I hear your pal the Irish Tenor has the run of the place as we speak. In fact, there may not be any beer left. ... Ah, hold up. It's a check point.

State the nature of your business here.

Official transport. Scan my eye, it's all there. ... Hurry it up, Rin Tin Tin, we're on a schedule.

Everything seems to be in order. Have a nice day.

So ye can travel wherever ye like with that eye scanner?

You bet. Check it out: TJI Fridays. This is really cool. We're in the basement of TJI Fridays right now, but when we go upstairs, we'll be in Applebee's, when we walk out the front door, turn around and check out the sign: Bennigan's.

Bennigan's ... a ghastly fake Irish pub. I thought they went out of business.

Not in hell. The damned can't get enough of it. The Monte Cristo is a big seller -- and why not, you can only die once, right? ... Hang on, we're gettin on that LANTA bus. ... Two please. ... So what's the plan, ya gonna to kill her while she's frozen in time?

That wouldn't be sportin' would it? ... No I plan to fight her meself. To the death.

Well, ah, good luck with that. ... We're almost to our stop. ... If you don't mind me askin, what exactly are your demon powers? I mean, I don't see a lot goin on here. Aside from your breath and an extremely devious nature, what do you have to go up against Marge with?
Have ye ever heard of the Celtic warrior Cúchulainn, lad?

Nope. Here we are. This is our stop. The Federal Grill. Let's go around the back. Gotta use the old key on this outside door. ... There. We're in. Watch your step down the stairs. ... See this tunnel? It leads right to basement of non-parallel Croc Rock. Non-Parallel hell is just past that door down there.

Well, I suppose we part soon, then. At any rate I expect you'll be hearin about Cúchulainn soon enough. ... Oh, I nearly forgot. I don't know where me head has been lately. ... I'll be needin' these, lad.

AHHHHHHHH! Jesus crap! You yanked my eye out, you crazy bastard. ... And he took my master key! Hey!!
State the nature of your business in non-parallel hell.
Strictly pleasure, lads.

Enjoy your stay in hell.