Enjoy your stay in hell

Alright Paddy, keep it quiet and follow me. Luckily I have just the right key for this rusty old lock. Actually I got one key and it works on any old lock I want it to. But wait till ya see the high-tech gizmos we got inside.

You know, lad, an Irishman might consider that a pejorative term.

What, gizmo? ... Oh, for cryin' out loud, a sensitive demon. If ya didn't notice I'm a devil, not Miss Manners. ... Watch your step down the steps there, pal. We're on our way to hell, not an ice cream social. ... Jeez, they keep a lotta junk around here. ...

Some day ye may live regret that attitude, lad.

Yeah, yeah, whatever. I live in hell, remember? Check this out -- ocular recognition sensor. This little thingee scans my eyeball and -- bam -- the door opens and we're in. This is top-of-line stuff right here. I hear in heaven they're still using freakin' swipe cards. Ha! ... After you.

So where are we anyway?

We're on the road to hell, of course. It starts right here in the basement of Croc Rock ... Watch your head. ... There used to be an entrance in Hary's but the city shut us down. ... One more door down the end of this hall and we'll be outta here. ... Another ocular sensor -- I love these things -- and voila!

So this is hell is it, lad? What are these, the warehouses of the damned?

This, nah. This is Macungie. A lotta people make that mistake. ... So what do you plan to do about Marge when you get to non-Parallel Time?

Marge. ... Well I suppose I have to kill her haven't I?

What, for eating you? Man, she musta been hungry. I mean what's the point? ... It wasn't actually you she swallowed, it was the non-parallel you. You, the parallel you that is, went on to live a long and full life of nastiness and evil. ... I mean, she already died in non-Parallel Time. Isn't that enough?

Ye wouldn't understand, devil. Me whole life I looked up to me dear departed sister and to find out now that I was just a snack to her ... nothing more than a bag of crisps.
Sucks to be you, granted. But what do you expect to do with her, whine her to death? She's one badass demon blogger, even if she is frozen in time at the moment. I hear she's like 13 feet tall. I hope you have a big appetite.

Tell me more about this sea monster she's fighting. Can it kill her?

The sea monster? A nasty piecea work, no doubt, but no match for Marge. I mean if she's losing the fight, she'll just get bigger. I wouldn't want to be in non-parallel Allentown right now I'll tell ya that. She'll be tossing buses around if she grows any more.

Ah, but right now she's frozen in time. ... She can't move. And when I get to Parallel Time I'll be able to move just fine, correct?

Absolutely. You'll be free to move about as you please in non-Parallel Time, even if everyone else is frozen. Actually, I hear your pal the Irish Tenor has the run of the place as we speak. In fact, there may not be any beer left. ... Ah, hold up. It's a check point.

State the nature of your business here.

Official transport. Scan my eye, it's all there. ... Hurry it up, Rin Tin Tin, we're on a schedule.

Everything seems to be in order. Have a nice day.

So ye can travel wherever ye like with that eye scanner?

You bet. Check it out: TJI Fridays. This is really cool. We're in the basement of TJI Fridays right now, but when we go upstairs, we'll be in Applebee's, when we walk out the front door, turn around and check out the sign: Bennigan's.

Bennigan's ... a ghastly fake Irish pub. I thought they went out of business.

Not in hell. The damned can't get enough of it. The Monte Cristo is a big seller -- and why not, you can only die once, right? ... Hang on, we're gettin on that LANTA bus. ... Two please. ... So what's the plan, ya gonna to kill her while she's frozen in time?

That wouldn't be sportin' would it? ... No I plan to fight her meself. To the death.

Well, ah, good luck with that. ... We're almost to our stop. ... If you don't mind me askin, what exactly are your demon powers? I mean, I don't see a lot goin on here. Aside from your breath and an extremely devious nature, what do you have to go up against Marge with?
Have ye ever heard of the Celtic warrior Cúchulainn, lad?

Nope. Here we are. This is our stop. The Federal Grill. Let's go around the back. Gotta use the old key on this outside door. ... There. We're in. Watch your step down the stairs. ... See this tunnel? It leads right to basement of non-parallel Croc Rock. Non-Parallel hell is just past that door down there.

Well, I suppose we part soon, then. At any rate I expect you'll be hearin about Cúchulainn soon enough. ... Oh, I nearly forgot. I don't know where me head has been lately. ... I'll be needin' these, lad.

AHHHHHHHH! Jesus crap! You yanked my eye out, you crazy bastard. ... And he took my master key! Hey!!
State the nature of your business in non-parallel hell.
Strictly pleasure, lads.

Enjoy your stay in hell.

There's nothin' this cat won't do for money

Jaysus, Mary and Joseph, would ya look at me place. It's a wreck.

POOF. I don't think they're gonna help ya clean up, Paddy. Top of the mornin to ya. ... Whoa! That's a lotta bird crap!

Ah, it's the good for nothin green devil himself. It seems a whole murder of crows came in through the damn hole that madman poked in me roof. Who was that who wrecked me place? ... I noticed you didn't stick around for the show. I barely escaped with me life.

That, chum, was St. Michael the Archangel, certified, card-carrying heavenly badass. Doesn't look like you hung around too long yourself, or we'd be pickin bird poop off of pieces of that chrome dome of yours.

Where did they go -- back to non-Parallel Time I suppose?

Sorry, pal, but the boys downstairs have a strict no-interference policy. ... So you didn't hear this from me. ... I understand they're going to arrange some kinda seance to repair the sixth-dimensional rift.
I don't suppose they'll be invitin' old Ronan, eh?

Doubtful. ... But a seance is not the only way to get to non-Parallel Time, ya know.

Oh?

Very nonchalant. I like that. You're good. You have quite a following downstairs, ya know. ... Listen I know you have a score to settle with your sister on the other side.

I can't believe me own dear Marge would eat me alive.

So, ah ... As I said, you got quite a following and ... ah ... I might be willing to show you the way. For a price.
I'm listening, lad.

Well, I'm a football fan. American football to you, of course. That's my vice. Heck, everybody in Hell is a football fan. And I'm a huge Dallas fan. I mean the Cowboy's are Hell's team. We have virtually all of their deceased players, plus coach Landry ... And truth be told, we could use a good wide receiver.

American football's your vice, is it? That coming from a green devil ....

That spirit that was here earlier ... the really annoying one? The Player? We could use him on our team.

That arrogant bastard?! How could ya even stand to be around him, lad?

Hey, who cares? As long as we win.

Well what am I supposed to do about it? He's a spirit. I can't even lay me hands on him. Plus he's got that goon Michael holdin his hand.

Here's all ya gotta do. Once he gets back to non-Parallel Time, Michael and the angels will be done with him. I take you over to non-Parallel time and you get him to come back -- alone. We'll take care of the rest.

And how do you expect me to do that?

Money. There's nothin this cat won't do for money. ... Deal?

And how do we get to non-Parallel time without the seance and the sixth-dimensional rift and the rest of that malarky?

Simple. We just take the shortcut through Hell. There's an entrance just a few blocks from here. You'll be there in time for Celtic Classic.

There's a gate to Hell ... right here? In Parallel Allentown?

Sure! Haven't ya ever been to Croc Rock?

Aye, lad, I have. I have indeed. ... Deal.