6 Degrees of Ponzi

Hello, Mr. Sedgwick? This is Bert.

Um, just call me Kev, OK?

Sure Kev. Listen, I heard about your situation with that little dog, Ponzi.

Can you believe that mutt? I thought we were pals. Did you know he ate Larry King's money too? ... Larry King was in "Contact" with John Hurt and John Hurt was in "New York, I Love You" with me. So Ponzi has a Bacon number of 3.

Um, actually. You gave him the money yourself, so there's no degree of separation at all, really.

Oh ... right. OK. He's a 1 then. ... Hey, that makes it even worse!

And he thinks he can get away with it because he's cute. Well, actually he is pretty cute. ... But my boss and I both lost a bundle when Ponzi ate that money. And we have a plan. ...

Dude, whatever it is count me in. ... Hey, did you know your boss has a Bacon number of 4? Anthony Bourdaine was on his TV show. Bourdaine was in "Far Cry" with Kimani Ray Smith. Smith was in "Scary Movie 4" with Cloris Leacman and Cloris was in "New York I love You" with me.

Actually his number is 2. He was on the "Tonight Show" with Felicity Huffman in 2007 and she was on the "Golden Globes" in 2007 with you.

Well, if you count awards shows. Jeez.

Hey, you counted the Travel Network, for Christ's sake.

Bite me, fuzzball.

Up yours, "Footloose" boy! My foot is gonna have a Bacon number of 0 with your ass in a minute! ... Um, gotta go. Nice talkin to ya. Bye.

I'm going to need that bucket

That's all the time we have for the show this week, folks. I bet you didn't know there were so many ways to cook mouse hearts! Or eat them raw if you like, with a sprinkling of parrot pee. Yum. ... And Don't forget to join us next week when I'll be showing you how to eat reptile poop! Until then, I'm Andrew Zinzendorf and this is "The Most Disgusting Things You Can Put in Your Mouth"!

Clear! That's a wrap! Great show, Andrew. Do you need a bucket?

Not today, Bert. I'm good. Great show everybody!

Mayor O'Bama is waiting to see you. Good news I hope.

Bring him in.

A pleasure to meet you, Mr. Zinzendorf. My family and I are big fans of your show. We love to watch you eat horrible, horrible things -- like the time you ate the hooves right off a goat.

A little bit of cloves and butter and those hooves are quite palatable. ... So Mayor, any news about my investments?

I met with President Madoff and, well, the news isn't good. The fund is gone. It seems that his little dog Ponzi ate it.

Ate it? Fifty billion dollars? How could a dog eat something like that?

He's really a cute little guy, that Ponzi. It's hard to stay mad at the little rascal.

Andrew are you OK?

I think I'm going to need that bucket, Bert.

Well Mr. Zinzedorf I can see that you're busy, so I'll be leaving. ... Oh, and the president says he is going to mail you a watch. ... And remember, hope!

Bert, I need to change next week's show. ... Forget the lizard dung, next week I'm eating Ponzi.

Arf!

Thank you for seeing me President Madoff. I know you are very busy.



No, not at all! Sit down, Barry. It's not every day I get to chat with the mayor of Allentown. ... Would you like some coffee, some whiskey, a watch? It's a Cartier ...



No, thank you, Mr. President. You're very kind. Actually I need to get back to Allentown for an anniversary celebration.



Ah! The ascension of your former mayor! I read about that. Has it been a year already since the angels carried him to heaven?



It has, and we're working hard on is beatification. ... But I wanted to ask you about something else if I may. ... Some of my constituents invested their savings in your fund ...



Oh, the fund. I have nothing to do with that now. It's all in a blind trust.



My I ask who the administrator is?



Why, Ponzi, of course!



Arf!



He says he ate the money.



Ate it??? PONZI! Bad dog!



Arf.

He says he's sorry.

Geez, it's hard to stay mad at the little guy isn't it?

Parallel Time Presidential Inaugural Gold Coin Available!

Front President Bernard Madoff

Back

First Dog Ponzi

Act Now!

Sounds like the poteen talkin'

Welcome to the Irish Brew Works No. 34. Why the long face, chum?

Hi Flo. I guess this whole O'Bama mayoral inauguration thing has me down.

How so? I think it's great. Our first Irish-American mayor. Can you imagine?

Well that's just it. I should be sharing this with Ronan, or even that idiot, the Irish Tenor. But, no. They went off to non-Parallel Time. ... I was supposed to be Ronan's henchman, you know. It says so right over there in the sidebar.

Yeah. It's sad, I guess. And, by the way. I never thought you were dim-witted! ... Who is this Marge broad he's chasing after anyway.

Thanks, Flo. ... Damned if I know. Some floozy, I guess. He says she ate him when he was a boy in another timeline.

Whatever. Sounds like to poteen talkin' if you ask me. ... If I had that Marge here in front of me, I'd give her what-for! ... I hear she's butt ugly.

I wouldn't know. ... Gimme a shot and a porter, Flo.

You got it, chum. And it's on me. Cheer up.

Thanks, Flo. You're the best. ... Hey did you catch President Madoff's inauguration on the tube?

I did! I really like that old guy. I have a good feeling about him. ... And I just love his little dog, Ponzi.

The Eagles are going to the Superbowl!

Well, it looks like the Eagles are going to play in the Superbowl again. How exciting! What is that, four years in a row now?

Five, if you include the one they lost.

How remarkable! What does it say in the newspaper?

It seems Coach Reid says that because he put the players in the right position to win, he should get all of the credit. Here's the best quote: "I am a frickin' genius," Reid shouted at the media, pounding his shoe on the table in front of him. "This team is undefeated. Without me, they would have been 9-7, maybe even 9-6-1. This is the greatest team in NFL history. Why? Because a me. Me. That's M-E for you sportswriters. Who else but me? McNabb? Please. The Player? I don't think so. Westbrook? Don't make me laugh. Me. Me, me, me. Here's an idea -- why don't you all kiss my big red butt? Here it is. You guys in front might need a wide angle lens. Here it is, Philadelphia. Pucker up!"

Oh my. He certainly gets excited after a big game doesn't he?