Junior is a huge movie buff. And Paul Newman, c'mon? 'Cool Hand Luke'? ... Hey, it's OK. You'll get used to Parallel heaven. I mean, sure, it's nowhere near as nice as non-Parallel heaven and they don't have a Diamond Club, but there's a Ruby Tuesday's and you get half-priced wings anytime you want.
Wings?!?! Hell, the Player doesn't eat any damn wings. I'm supposed to be in
real heaven where every damn thing I want is free with my Diamond Card and I'm entitled to the use of a super premium automobile.
Yeah, about that. ... Mr. Newman's gonna need that Diamond Club card. You'll really have no use for it in Parallel heaven, anyway. Everyone rides bikes there. ... There's a Country Buffet, did I mention that?
Bikes?!?! Country damn Buffet??? ... No damn Paul Newman is gonna take take my damn Diamond Club card. It's not fair. Jesus himself said if I went to Parallel Time and helped bring back the Green Guy I could be in the Diamond Club! I did everything he said. You trying to tell me Jesus himself can't be trusted?
Hey, he works in mysterious ways, what can I say? Besides, you had plenty of time to go to heaven, but you kept your Lord waiting as you slummed around in the spirit world trying to collect on old debts. It doesn't pay to make Jesus wait. You hurt his feelings.
Hell! This isn't right. Jesus is supposed to be merciful. I want my damn mercy! I did everything I was supposed to do. What about that angel? I saved her ass from Ronan.
He certainly did!
Can it, sister. You're on thin ice as it is. ... Come to think of it, saving the angel was uncharacteristically selfless of you. ... Though I'm not sure you did anybody any favors.
Hey, I saved the damn angel and I want my damn Diamond Club card and I want to be in real damn heaven. ... And I'm sorry I let Jesus down, OK? And I want that seat on his
left side, not the
right side.
Well, I don't think that's gonna be good enough. ... Hang on, I gotta take this call. ... Hello, yes, yes. OK, I'll put him on. It's for you, Player. I'll put it on speaker.
It better not be damn Truman. Hello?
Hello, Dude. It's Jesus. First off, I want to tell you how grateful we are that you saved the little angel. ...
See??
Shhhh!
... Secondly, I'm afraid we've given away your spot in non-Parallel heaven. I'm sorry dude, but you've had a lot of time to check in and we just assumed you decided not to come. We've given your spot to someone who deserves it.
Paul Newman? Damn! But we were gonna watch the games together. Jesus, please don't leave me in Parallel heaven. I want to to be in
the show! I want to be in the Diamond Club!
Well, since you did selflessly save an angel in distress -- and seriously dude I did not see that coming .... Um ... OK here's what we can do. You can come to heaven, but no Diamond Club. Your club card and your seat at my
RIGHT hand will go to Mr. Newman. You'll be sitting in general admission.
How far away is that seat? Do I have to ride a damn bicycle?
It's far. ... Listen, I can let you have a gold membership. That entitles you to a full size car, with a possible upgrade. And well drinks only.
Well drinks? Damn. Can I upgrade to a Lexus suvie, or a Hummer, or an Escalade?
No, no and no. Take it or leave it.
Damn.
POOF! You don't like the accommodations in heaven? That's where I come in. How'd you like to play for our team? The Parallel Hell Cowboys. You can have any ride you want. A huge salary, lots of perks. No drug screening. And we'll throw you the damn ball on every play.
Wow. I never thought the Eagles would get off to a 9-0 start this year, not with all the trouble The Player caused right before the first game.
Well, I'd say it's a testament to his maturity that he took back his words against the fans and donated this year's salary to the poor.
You know, that's just the way he is. A paradigm of reason ... a great player and an even greater man. A true philanthropist. ... I just wish I could get a bet down. Ever since The Irish Tenor crossed over to non-Parallel Time, I've been unable to track down a reliable sports book.
Well I must say I won't miss that fellow Ronan.
... Or that flock of crows that was following him around. What was that all about anyway?
Oh, apparently in non-Parallel Time his ancestor Cuchulainn made enemies with all corvids by killing a flock of their gods -- the sea ravens -- and leaving the head of their leader on the rocks for all to see. Before that, Cuchuilainn was in good favor with the crows, who had helped him on several occasions.
But all of this happened in the other timeline?
That's how I understand it. ... When the mortally wounded Cuchulainn was slain by Lugaid's magic spear, he tied himself to a pillar of rock so that he could die on his feet. Lugaid's soldiers were afraid to approach him until a crow landed on his shoulder and plucked out his eyes, assuring them that he was dead. Lugaid then cut off Cuchulainn's head.
A fitting end, I guess.
Indeed. And here's another one: I'll take that bishop, thank you very much!
Oh, you're very welcome indeed. Check.
Clever. Luckily I have my knight in reserve ... um ... drat, your queen has me penned in!
Good move. I'll take that rook, thanks. Check again.
Goodness gracious! I seem to be in a bit of a pickle. Is that checkmate in three? 
Two, actually, maybe one, depending on your next move. Give up? ... Good game anyway! Are you going to the Pawlowski Center to hear Vice President Bennett speak tomorrow?
I concede. ... I wouldn't miss that speech! I hope she brings her Nobel Prize along.
Stranger things have happened. ... OK, see ya then. We'll pick up the monorail outside Tommie Tomorrow's.
Cheerio!
