Parallel Time

Just do it

2011-12-15T13:30:00.000-05:00

Boss? ... Afraid I've got some bad news.

Is there any other kind?

Well, for one thing the system is completely buggered. Ever since that damn dinosaur got caught up in it ...

That's one of my creatures you're talking about.

Right. Sorry. ... Ever since that creature of yours got pulled into the transphasic matrix, nothing works. 'Alf the toilets here are backed up and the ones that do work will only ship to the Parallel bloody South Pole.

Do I look like a plumber? What do you want me to do about it?

Don't you have a saint or an angel or someone up there who can fix this sort of thing?

Hmm. Let me think. ... Oh right. That would be you. If you aren't up to the job ...

Let's not be hasty. ... I realize I've never been one of your favorite saints ...

Probationary saint.

Right. Probationary saint. ... But this isn't my fault. Bramwell fooled around with that bloody freight elevator ... and then the dinosaur.

Listen. I don't have time for this. I have a lot on my plate. I'm down two archangels. St. Peter is letting dead terrorists wander through the gates and Santa's been drinking again. You and Donovan and Old Donovan are going to have to figure this out for yourselves.

Yes sir. Um ...

Now what?

We've had some messages coming through the gate. Seems there's a mole at the South Pole.

A mole? What messages?

Someone from the Pew Works tower has been in contact with someone at the South Pole Vatican -- probably Bramwell. Oh, did I tell you Bramwell used some gizmo to get to the Parallel South Pole? ... Also, someone's been fooling around with the transphasic bubble we've been using to keep great White Crow under wraps. Again, probably Bramwell.

Crows! I've about had it up to here with crows. ... If I could get through one day without hearing about crows or Bramwell, or Marge for that matter ...

One last thing ... Chef Andrew ...

Who?

He's a TV chef that accidentally got pulled through the toilet to the Parallel South Pole. ...

Oh boo-hoo. Tell him to offer it up. ... Here's what I want you to do. I'm going to send some more help to Bauer and Newman in the South Pole. You get them there and tell them to deal with Bramwell. Then you get them all back to non-Parallel Allentown to deal with Marge. I don't care how you do it, just do it. Understood?

Understood, sir. ... And if I don't talk to you before then, sir, Happy Birthday.

Just do it.

Yes sir. Goodbye. ... Jeez, he's got a bee in his bonnet, doesn't he?

He's under some stress, I suppose. Cucumber sandwich?

Don't mind if i do.

Actually, he looks just like my plumber back in Manchester.

I have a proposition

2011-11-28T10:30:00.011-05:00

Is this Mr. Bramwell?

Bramwell B. Bramwell, Esq. speaking.

Nice to meet ya, Mr. B.

Lord of the Crows, actually. ... And you are?

Green Devil here, at your service.

And why has a rodent delivered you to me?

I have a proposition. ... It concerns the Great White Crow.

I'm listening.

You see, I represent a very powerful organization and it's come to our intention that you plan to use the Great White Crow to bring on the Apocalypse.

Continue.

My organization, while not being opposed to the concept of an Apocalypse, is not fully convinced that one would be in our best interest at the present time.

Your beliefs are of no concern to the Crows.

Be that as it may, you may find that you and we have some mutual interests and our organization could be very beneficial to you.

In what way?

Travel, for instance. You're not going to be able to bring that bird into non-Parallel time without our help. ... That transpolar destabilizer you have? A piecea junk. Made in China. No way that thing is going to pop a transphasic bubble, let along open a rift into a parallel reality.

I shall take my chances.

We can bring you and the bird to non-Parallel Time.

This is getting too weird for me.

"Sympathy for the Devil," dude

2011-11-17T13:00:00.008-05:00

I have some good news and some somewhat unfortunate news.

Oh?

Using the transpolar destabilizer, I have run a test on the transphasic bubble that has imprisoned the Great White Crow.

And?

It seems very likely that I can free that magnificent creature from its fetters.

Is that the good news or the bad news?

That, of course, is the good news. ... The unfortunate news is that my test may have alerted the celestial realm travel authorities of my intentions.

It's really hard to tell the good news and bad news apart with you, Bramwell.

When we have created Armageddon these things will become clear to you.

Oh, more good news. ... So what's the next step?

I would have wished for more time to formulate a plan, but I must act quickly to free the Great White Crow and bring him into non-Parallel Time ...

Whoa! What the heck was that, a rat?? Did you see that??

It appears to be a rodent of some sort there chirping in the corner.

Is he leaving?

He has disappeared into a ...

Please don't say crev-AHSS again.

... hole in the ice, if you will. ... But he has left something behind.

Is that an I-phone?

Yes and it has an annoying ringtone.

It's playing "Sympathy for the Devil," dude.

Bollocks!

2011-10-21T12:07:00.002-04:00

Bollocks!

Don't fret St. Onslo. Have a spot of tea. What seems to be the trouble?

The system is completely buggered.

So you can't bring Chef Andrew back from the South Pole?

No. All I can do right now is send people to the bloody South Pole.

What's that yellow blinking light on the panel?

Hmm. Looks like somebody's sending a message from Parallel Allentown the Parallel South Pole. ...

Blimey, look. Now there's a red blinking light.

More trouble, I bet. ... And guess what? It's coming from the South Pole. Another bloody transphasic disturbance.

Error code 0013. ... Something about a Great White Crow.

0013? Doesn't that take the biscuit! ... I better ring the boss.

Lord Newman has gone rogue

2011-10-20T10:14:00.000-04:00

Thank you for calling The Pew Works. Green Devil speaking.

Satan? Yes I'll accept the charges. ... Boss? Am I ever glad you called me back.

Here? ... A little rainy, but pleasant. About 68. What? Sorry, I didn't catch the dew point. ... The eye? It's good, thanks. Doesn't hurt at all. I hardly miss it.

Um, listen. The reason I called earlier is ... Huh? Gadhafi? ... I haven't heard. ... Is he late? Uh-huh. Right.

Anyway, I wanted to talk about Lord Newman. It seems he's gone rogue on us. Mmm hmm. Rogue. I said Lord Newman has gone rogue. ... Yeah. It means he's gone over to the other side. ... No, I never saw "The Hustler."

What do we do? How do I know he's gone rogue? ... I just got a message from my source at the South Pole Vatican. Yeah. South Pole. ... That's where Lord Newman is. Really. Yeah. With the pope. ... The pope. I said pope. With a P. ... Yeah him. No, I don't like him either. Yeah, tell me about it.

A vacation? You think maybe he's just taking a vacation? In the South Pole? I really doubt that, sir.

Oh! And here's some more crappy news. Before he left he reinstated free wings night in Parallel Heaven. What was that? Um, Thursday. Yeah, Thursday. And they got half price tacos on Tuesday. Half price. ... Huh? No, the guacamole is extra. ...Yes, the Celestial Lockdown Protocols are still in place. ... What was that? ... I think you have a choice of chicken or beef. No, rice would probably be extra, too.

One last thing. My mole says Bramwell B. Bramwell Esq. has been spotted near the South Pole Vatican. ... A lawyer? No, he's not a lawyer. He's the Emperor of the Crows. ... Esq.? It's just a title. Hmm? He probably made it up. Um, yeah sure. You should definitely have a title too, Satan. ... No. I don't know what the B. stands for. I'll see if I can find out.

Great White Crow? Never heard of him. ... Can I get a message to Bramwell? Possibly. I can try. ... You think Bramwell would do that? OK, awesome. You got it, boss.

Tuesday night? Yeah. I'm free. OK, you're on. I'll see ya then. Later.

Jeez. What a ditz.

So you're definitely not a crow?

2011-09-27T11:52:00.003-04:00

So you're definitely not a crow?

No! I'm a dog. I hate crows. In fact, I spied on the crows for my master, Lord Newman.

OK, then, I'm not going to eat you. But I am so hungry.

There are lots of penguins you could eat.

I think I ate them all already.

I heard there was frozen pizza in the basement of the Vatican. We could look there.

Really? What's a Vatican?

I'm not sure, but it's in a big Ice Palace not too far away.

What's pizza?

I'm not really sure ... but the humans seem to like it.

Are there humans there, too? My only friends -- besides you -- were humans.

Yes, lots of humans. My master, the complaining football man, the bald hungry guy, the Marge lady ...

Marge? I hate Marge.

Not Marge, exactly. She calls herself Mrs. Egram.

Mrs.Egram ... from the alternate timeline? She's my friend. We shared an interphasic elevator ride before I was consumed by a transphasic bubble and obtained self-awareness and the ability to reason and speak.

Well, she's in the Vatican with the other elevator humans. They came through the toilet.

Toilet travel. ... How distasteful. I must warn Mrs. Egram and the others that Bramwell is here.

Bramwell? Dios mio! We should hurry!

How did you become self-aware?

I don't know. Am I?

Who's Bramwell?

2011-09-21T12:52:00.000-04:00

Our plan to stop Marge seems to have some holes in it.

Hell, that's cause we don't have a damn plan.

We should arrange ourselves into working units.

You mean teams. T-E-A-M-S. Emphasis on the M and the E.

That's fine by me.

I shall take Karl, Truman and, I suppose, this green fellow.

This green fellow has a name. It's Green Guy.

Whatever. I'll take The Player and Atown.

I'm not goin' anywhere with this damn secret agent maniac.

OK. Fine. I'll take Atown and Newman.

Hold it right there, mortal. It's Lord Newman and I will be the captain of my own team. And I pick The Player and Atown.

I'm not goin' anywhere with damn Newman, either!

Newman can have the bald guy, then.

Oh, fun!

Well, I'm, not going anywhere till we find my dog.

That's OK. We can wait. ... We need more team members. ... We need a dirty dozen.

We could ask Bramwell. I met him in the basement.

Bramwell!?!?

Hey, the Green Guy just fainted. ... Who's Bramwell? He sounds fun.

A necessary sacrifice

2011-09-12T11:50:00.001-04:00

Voila! This is where I lost the transpolar destabilizer.

So you fought with a dinosaur and fell through that crevice into the frozen vaults of the South Pole Vatican and survived?

Indeed. ... But it was more of a crevace.

Epic!

This device will allow us to free the Great White Crow from its transphasic fetters.

Awesome. ... Why are we doing that again?

The Great White Crow is a venerated symbol for crows everywhere. It will unite all crows to our cause.

Right! ... And what is our cause again exactly?

Our cause is to bring about the Apocalypse, destroying the human world and replacing it with a world governed by crows.

Oh! A world ruled by crows. Awesome! ... And that's a good idea ... why?

Because a world ruled by crows would be better, obviously.

Ah, I see. Obviously. ... And how do we bring about this Apocalypse?

The immense Parallel power of the Great White Crow, if brought to non-Parallel Time, would create a catasrophic transphasic vaccum, obliterating both Parallel and non-Parallel Time.

Obliterating, theoretically, us as well?

Of course. ... A necessary sacrifice.

Completely necessary, of course. ... Um, but won't the crows be obliterated?

Not all of them. The Realm of the Really Big Crows will not be affected.

Ah! ... The realm of the really big crows. ... Why is that?

The shish kebob theory, of course.

Shish kebob, right. You know ... I'm thinking maybe I'll sit this one out.

Are you saying you do not want to be a part of the glorious birth of the Crow Millennium?

Nah. I think I'll quit while I'm a head.

Are you going to eat me?

2011-09-06T12:30:00.002-04:00

What are you?

I'm Ponzi.

Are you a crow?

Heavens no. Crows are bad. I'm a good dog.

The crows I've met were quite bad.

You know about the crows?

Just the ones I've eaten. I get pretty hungry.

You've eaten crow?

Just two, actually. Gorgon and Number 1 Henchcrow.

Those were important crows. ... Um, are you going to eat me?

Hmmm.

Has anyone seen Ponzi?

2011-09-02T13:16:00.000-04:00

Tell us your plan to destroy Marge.

It's simple really. I know how she thinks and I know her weakness. I shall employ it against her and we shall be able to destroy her.

I thought she could only be destroyed by a rock slide.

Indeed. And how did that work out for you in Japan and again in Turkey?

I thought it was Hungary.

So what is this weakness?

That, sir, is proprietary information.

Speakin' a hungry, could I have some more a them french fried potaters?

You're eatin them all! Damn, Karl! ... And don't think I'm gonna forget how you killed me with that damn machete.

Mmmm. I call it a sling blade.

So you're not a ghost anymore?

Hell, no. Jesus sent me back to Parallel Time to help get Marge ... after damn Newman here got me kicked outta heaven. ... How come you aren't a ghost anymore?

Hmmm. I forget. It had something to do with a polar bear rug and a secret room.

Damn!

I could probably just destroy Marge myself with my Godly powers.

Parlor tricks, you mean.

Hey, where's Ponzi? Has anybody seen Ponzi?

That damn Marge look-alike probably ate him!

Excuse me?

If anybody ate him it was Andrew.

Moi?

You and your TV chef friends tried to eat him once already!

He did steal my life savings. He deserved it.

He ate your life savings. Ponzi doesn't steal. He's a good dog.

Oh, the dog? He was sniffing around near the front door, so I let him out.

In the Antarctic? Idiot! Ponzi, where are you? Come back!

Maybe you could use your Godly powers to find him?

Damn, dude!

2011-08-31T14:50:00.003-04:00

Gentlemen, we have guests for dinner.

Marge! Damn, run away!

Hell! We're gonna be the dinner!

Stay right there, Marge! I have a thermonuclear device in my pocket and I know how to use it.

Oh dear me. And I thought you were just happy to see me.

Agent Bauer! This is not the creature you know as Marge.

Sure looks like her.

Yeah. If it walks like a duck, it's a damn duck!

I remind you of waterfowl? How nice.

I think she owes me some damn money, too.

I introduce you to Mrs. Egram. She is the result of a badly botched mission into the past to kill Marge.

Ah. You belong to an alternate timeline.

Correct. I am apparently the proto Marge, as it were. And who might you be?

I am your Lord. Bow before me.

Unlikely.

Can it, Newman.

I can vouch for what she says. I helped botch the attempt to kill her.

Your efforts were, in fact, crucial.

Atown Liker? It's true. You're alive!

Hmm. Maybe he that alternate Irish Tenor feller.

Nope. It's me. The tenor is still in non-Parallel Allentown.

Hmmm. I reckon he oughta said this here is I. Mmm.

Spare us the grammar lesson. I have come to aid you in destroying the demon Marge, who presently soiling the good name of the Egram family.

Explain to me again how it is that you aren't Marge.

Gentlemen, and madam, we'll discuss it over dinner.

Thermonuclear device? Damn, dude.

I have a wide stance

2011-08-22T16:15:00.001-04:00

Who are you? Did St. Onslow send you?

I'm Andrew. I don't know how I got here. One moment I was in a stall at the Parallel Allentown Underground Comfort Station and the next thing you know I was being sucked into the toilet. When I was finally able to climb out, I was here.

Is he with you, Mrs. Egram?

Hardly. I have never laid eyes on this man.

I've seen him on TV. He eats disgusting things.

Hmmm. I remember this feller from that underground bathroom. He was in the stall next to me 'n he kept wavin at me under the wall.

Nonsense! I dropped a sandwich.

Hmmm. Then he kept a-bumpin my foot with his foot.

It's just that I have a wide stance.

Oh, puh-lease!

I can only assume that St. Onslow sent him to be a part of your team, Mrs. Egram.

Team? This is what the Parallel Vatican considers a team? Three time-travelling idiots and a gluttonous pervert?

I'm not a glutton. I just like eat repulsive things. In moderation.

We must not question God's plan, Mrs. Egram. Everyone, come to the dining room and join the others.

Dining room?

I will not be referred to as a byproduct

2011-08-01T16:00:00.003-04:00

Your Haughtiness, these people have been sent to us by St. Onslow.

Mistakenly, I might add.

They are associates of the others who arrived here earlier. ... Except for Mrs. Egram. She claims to be from an alternate timeline.

You mean from non-Parallel Time, don't you?

No sir. He does not. And I shall speak for myself if you don't mind.

Please Mrs. Egram, by all means.

I lived happily in my own time, you see -- the non-Parallel Time of the past as it were -- until these three (as well as a so-called vampire hunter and his son, a polar bear, who have been since dispatched to non-Parallel 1868) -- altered my timeline in a clumsy attempt to kill me.

Um. ... Marge, actually, if I may interject. It was a clumsy attempt to go back in time to kill Marge before she became a demon and destroyed Allentown in non-Parallel Time ...

... Except that their Marge did not exist yet. In fact, it was their interference that created her.

Ironic, I reckon.

And what is your part in this?

I, Mrs. Egram, was the pre-Marge. Their attempt to kill me caused a landslide in which I apparently ate my younger half-brother, the combining his demonic power with my own.

You see, Marge, I mean pre-Marge Mrs. Egram, was actually a semidemon, the offspring of a half vampire and a cambion.

Cambion?

The byproduct of a union between an incubus or a succubus and a human.

I will not be referred to as a byproduct.

Her brother Ronan ...

Half brother.

... was a descendant of the Irish mythical warrior Cuchlainn.

He wasn't so mythical. His Parallel Time counterpart escaped into non-Parallel Time and destroyed a whole block of Allentown while trying to get revenge on Marge.

... We went back in time again to the moment before the landslide and tried to kill her again. ...

Hmm. But we done messed it up again pretty good and got stuck in an alternate timeline.

And, yet, you stand before me now?

Mm. We done figured the alternate timeline would have would have one of them underground latrines that Ol' Donovan lived in in this timeline. 'Cept he was young Donovan when we got there. Hmmm. Acourse that was when we got mixed up with Ol' Bramwell.

Bramwell? My head is spinning.

Pardon me, Your Hindquarters, someone else has just come through the toilet.

We must free the Great White Crow

2011-06-23T12:40:00.003-04:00

He we are, Esquire. One Great White Crow as promised!

Magnificent creature. But it is confined.

That's a transphasic bubble he's in. Haven't you been following the story?

Yes of course. But how do we free it?

There's the rub. Apart from a special dispensation from the pope -- and don't count on that -- you would need some sort of transpolar destabilizer.

I had one. I used it to enter this realm, but I lost it when I was attacked by the dinosaur.

Dinosaur! Whoa, you are a rock star!

We must find the transpolar destabilizer and free the Great White Crow.

Whatever you say. As long as you take me with you.

We come in through the toilet

2011-05-11T11:04:00.001-04:00

How come these fellers is in their PJ's?

This is the elite Swiss Guard, sworn to protect the pope.

Didn't mean to wake you fellers up. Hmmm. How comes the pope in Allentown?

Allentown? This is the South Pole Vatican. ... And I'll ask the questions, thank you. ... How did you get in here?

Mmm. We come in through that gold toilet.

The toilet? You were sent by St. Onslo?

Indeed we were. However that T-shirted pietist has sent us to the wrong location.

We're supposed to be in Allentown to fight the demon Marge. ... You are aware that you're a scarecrow?

Allentown? Wait second. ... Atown? ... Are you associated with Atown Liker?

Indeed we are. I am his loyal servant, the Green Guy.

I'm Karl. I was his gardener till Ol' Marge fired me for killin' the Player with a kaiser blade. Mmm. At least that's what I call it.

And I'm Truman the former ghost friend and confidant of the aforementioned demon who stole his blog and his house and tried to kill him and destroy Allentown.

And I am Mrs. Egram, the palindromatic doppelganger of that demon. I have traveled from an alternate timeline created through the incompetence of these maladroit time-traveling buffoons. I intend to seek revenge upon Marge, who, I am told, ate my little brother in her timeline. I am said to be much less evil than my counterpart, but you haven't seen me before my first cup of coffee in the morning.
.

Is Mr. Liker here in the Vatican? Has he been beatified?

Not yet. But he's here all right. Last I saw him he was heading down into the basement to look for pizza.

The basement? That's never good.

Um. .... Maybe you four better come with me.

Mmm. Some people call it a sling blade. I call it a kaiser blade.

No skin off my butt

2011-04-21T09:08:00.011-04:00

Here we are. You guys sould become fast friends. Anyway, I think I'm late for supper and I'm famished. These ladyfingers don't have any meat on them at all.

Were those St. Anne's fingers?

Sir, my name is Bramwell B. Bramwell, Esquire.

Very nice.

What does the B. stand for?

Bramwell, of course.

Knew it!

And the Esquire? Is that some sort of title, dude?

Yes. Yes it is.

And a very elegant and pretentious one at that.

Bitchin'! I love titles. My name is St. Charles of Malibu, Rockstar. ... Is it O.K. with you, Squire, that I said "St." and not "Saint."

No skin off my butt, gentlemen. I'm due upstairs for the group photo.

Do you believe that tool? Not one drop of tiger blood in him.

He is somewhat persnickety ... and objectionable in every way. Remind me to kill him, would you?

Bitchin'! I'd have done it myself if I weren't a disembodied head.

We all have our crosses to bear, my friend. ... Tell me, what do you know of the Great White Crow?

You don't see me throwing my title around

2011-04-08T10:23:00.000-04:00

Is it possible that I have fallen into the lair of the Great White Crow? Anything's possible in this ice cube of a Vatican, Bub. You! You there! Did you say this was the Vatican? South Pole style, yeah. And who might you be? Atown Liker, at your service. And you? Bramwell B. Bramwell, Esq. Are you sucking on a frozen finger? Maybe. What's it to you? ... Esq.? You some kinda lawyer? Indeed I am not. The title "esquire" indicates my noble birth and social standing, which is above that of gentleman. ... Ah, but below that of knight. And why the abbreviation? Why not just say "esquire." I did say "esquire"! That's not how I read it. Look right up there, five pictures back: "E-S-Q." I, sir, am the Lord of the Crows! Do not test my patience. And I'm the Squire of Renaissance Square. You don't see me throwing my title around. Does that mean you are the guardian of the Great White Crow, perchance? You mean Marge? Are you referring to the lovely Mrs. Egram? Egram? Don't know any Egram, esquire. The White Crow. ... The mythological beast. ... Thought to be slaughtered by the Irish demon Cuchlain ... Cuchulain? You mean Ronan? I know of no one named Ronan. ... The Great White Crow was thought to be slaughtered, but my own research indicates he was trapped in a transphasic bubble and imprisoned beneath the polar ice. Wow. That sounds like a violent torpedo of truth, my friend. I think I know who can help you. He's no esquire, but he is a saint. ... Hey, what's the B stand for?

We appear to be surrounded

2011-03-29T10:24:00.006-04:00

We appear to be surrounded.

Them fellers is in they pajamas. Hmm.

Is it possible we have been transported to another planet?

Hello alien fellers. We done come in peace. Take us to your leader. ... Hmmm. Don't reckon they speak earth language.

Who are you people and how did you get in here?

Ah ... a talking scarecrow. Finally some semblance of reality.

Tiger blood

2011-03-10T14:20:00.008-05:00

Hmmmm. No sign of any frozen pizza. Just frozen relics. What kind of Vatican is this? ... What's this .... fingers? The church sure likes its fingers. ... St. Charles' head? Really?

Boo!

Yikes! Help!

Don't be afraid. I'm St. Charles of Malibu.

A talking saint head?

You're talking to a warlock, baby!

A warlock saint?

Duh! Rock star. It's called winning!

So ... are you alive? You don't rally look it.

I'm more alive than you will ever be! I have tiger blood in my veins!

Do you know where they keep the pizza?

I can bang six, seven pizzas at at time. That's just how I roll, baby. It's called winning!

Well, um, nice talking to ya. Gotta go find that pizza.

Wait! Take me with you.

Sorry, don't wanna be late for dinner. And I might bang a coupla beers afterward. That's just how I roll.

Rock star!

I don't reckon we's in Allentown.

2011-03-07T09:01:00.000-05:00

Simply horrid.

Hmmm. Toilet travel takes some gettin' used to.

What is this place?

Look like some fancy outhouse. Mmm.

The plumbing fixtures, even the pipes, are gold.

These faucet handles are encrusted with diamonds.

The towel holders are made of ivory.

I don't reckon we's in Allentown. Mmm.

She came in through the bathroom window

2011-03-04T13:06:00.000-05:00

I'm really hungry. You got any pizza, Mr. Pope?

Dinner will be served shortly.

I don't think I can wait.

Whatever. Scarecrow, take this man down to the underground pantry and see if you can find him something.

Yes, Your Preponderanceness.

INTRUDER! INTRUDER!

The alarm! We have intruders. Could it be an incursion by the crows?

I'll check it out, Your Aggrandizementship. ... I'm sorry, sir. but you'll have to go down to the basement by yourself. There has been unauthorized access to the papal lavatory.

Hmm. Sign says "Galley" to the left and "Artifacts, Relics, Etc." to the right. A guess a frozen pizza would be more of an artifact.

Bow before me

2011-02-25T15:22:00.000-05:00

I am your Lord. Bow before me.

Heretic! I shall have you thrown into the Vatican dungeon! Scarecrow! Take him away.

Not so fast, Strawman!

Oh my!

Enough with the parlor tricks, Newman. And drop the God routine. Jesus told me he sent you here undercover to investigate the Crows.

So it would kill you to bow before me?

You are an affront to all that is sacred!

Not even li'l curtsy?

It's been a long day. You got anything to eat in this icebox, pontiff?

Crevasse?

2011-02-24T16:45:00.000-05:00

I order you to put me down at once!

Whoa! did you feel that? That must be what they call an earthquake.

A rift is forming in the glacial ice! Put me down immediately!

Whoa! It's slippery!

Help! I'm falling into the crevasse!

Nuts! There goes lunch.

I'm trapped. I'm going to have to sever my limbs and eat them if I am to survive. ... Is this some sort of ice tunnel I've fallen into?

Crevasse. ... Now that's interesting. I would have said crevice.

Oh, Cruel Fortuna

2011-02-09T12:47:00.000-05:00

POOF!

Where am I? …. For the love of all that the Crows hold sacred, let this be the South Pole of Parallel Time. If that is my location, I would be in the proximity of the Great White Crow. … Oh my!

Bramwell?

A talking dinosaur? This is unexpected. ... And it seems to know my name.

It’s me. Scrapple. … From the elevator.

Ah. The creature foisted upon us by Jesus?

One in the same.

You are quite a bit larger than I remembered.

Well I was just a baby then.

And of course, you can speak now, unless I am hallucinating. ... Oh cruel Fortuna, please tell me I am not hallucinating as I struggle for my last breath, my life blood draining into a crimson crescent on the frozen wasteland of the North Pole in the Realm of the Really Big Crows, which is adjacent to the Parallel South Pole on this interphasic shish kebob.

I was trapped for some time in an interphasic bubble, at which time I became self-aware, with the ability to reason and to speak. Did you say shish kebob?

You would not understand the shish kebob theory, I'm afraid. Your brain is absurdly small. ... You see, I was attacked by Santa Claus just as my transpolar destabilizer transferred me here to the Parallel South Pole. If I am indeed at the Parallel South Pole.

Don’t worry. That’s exactly where we are. … Gorgon told me so.

Gorgon? My faithful second-in-command? Where is he? I must speak to him at once!

I’m afraid that a tiny hat and scarf are all that’s left of him.

No! Alas, poor Gorgon. I knew him well, Scrapple. ... Was he slain by Santa Claus as he poofed away into Parallel Time?

Not exactly. … I, um, ate him.

You ate Gorgon? What have you done? Gorgon was crow royalty – a direct descendant of the sea crows savagely killed by Cuchulainn himself.

Mmm. ... Not big on Irish folklore.

You shall pay for this with your worthless life!

Funny. He said something very similar to that just before I ate him.

You should count yourself fortunate that I must make haste to find the Great White Crow and I do not have the time to strike you down. … You haven’t seen him have you? Really big crow? ... White?

No I haven’t. But there is a problem. … My absurdly small brain is telling me I'm still hungry.

Put me down at once, beast!

About damn time!

2011-01-31T10:40:00.000-05:00

We have four visitors at the gate, your Most Magnificant Parallel Pontif.

Who are they?

One says he's the Lord.

The Lord? Good heavens!

He is travelling with two accolytes, one of whom says you owe him some money. ...

Preposterous!

... The other seems to be hiding a hotdog and a sword.

Send them away!

Wait. Do they have a dog?

Sort of.

Let them in! I've been waiting for them.

Your Blessed, Bedazzled Behemoth?

Do as he says.

You may enter.

About damn time!

This isn't what I ordered

2010-11-30T11:28:00.001-05:00

Pardon me sir, and I use that term most sarcastically, we demand to be transported to Non-Parallel Allentown.

Impossible. The interphasic plumbing is all bollocksed up. I'm afraid the recent incursions have completely shut down interdimensional travel.

Unacceptable. We have been brought here against our will and we are determined to continue to our final destination: I demand to speak with your superior. I suspect it won't be diffcult to find one. There must be a list, a very long one, comprising quite very many names.

I'm a bloody dues-paying, card-carrying heavenly saint. Recently promoted at that. You'd like to talk to my superior? I bet you bloody well would wouldn't you? You and a few billion others.

Well, Saint Onslow. I am a full-fledged semidemon from an alternate timeline with a questionable attitude. I carry no cards and pay no dues. However, I impale feeble-minded bureaucrats who stand in my way, much as you are doing at this moment. ... I demand to be transported. I shan't ask nicely again.

Listen, Mrs. Marge or whatever you call yourself in your alternate timeline. I would like nothing better than see you swirling around in one of those toilets, but the system is down! It simply does not work. ---Beep! Beep! Beep!--- Ah, who the bloody hell is calling me now? ... Hello? Yes sir.

Have you tracked down Bramwell yet?

Ah! Mr. Christ I presume?

Who is that, Onslow?

It's Marge, sir. She's makin a fuss about not being able to get to Non-Parallel Allentown.

Marge?!?

Not Marge Marge, sir. That other one. Mrs. Egram. ... She would like a word.

No way. Tell her I'm not here.

I can hear you, Mr. Christ. All powerful, indeed.

Listen dude. If she wants to go in the toilet, by all means let her go in the toilet. Call me back when she's gone. Later.

Copy that, sir. ... Good news Mrs. E. You're on your way to Non-Parallel Allentown! No charge. Into the toilets with the lot of ya!

It's about time. ... Gentlemen, look sharp. We are about to meet our destiny!

Donovan, hit the switch!

They're off! What a grand adventure!

It's going to be a rough ride, I'll tell you that. Damn glad to be rid of that lot.

Excuse me? May I have some more TP, please? I'm having a bit of a rough ride myself.

Straight away Mr. Z. Coming right up. I'll bring you some tea and more of those finger sandwiches you like, as well. Gotta keep up your energy!

Thank you. And don't skimp on the fingers this time!

How long has he been in here?

Oh, a couple of hours now. Stall No. 3. He's my best customer. ... Hey, how long before the Egram party reaches Non-Parallel Allentown?

Allentown? Not bloody likely. I sent 'em to the South Pole. ... Wait a sec ... did you say Stall No. 3???

Oh my Lord! Mr. Z! Don't flush!!!!!

This isn't what I ordered.

Arf!

2010-08-06T10:36:00.014-04:00

What the hell are we doin out in the woods?

Shhh. Just wait.

Shouldn't we be on our way to the South Pole?

Not without Ponzi.

Ponzi? That bad damn dog?

Why not?I could go for a snack. Ponzi chops!

That's not funny. Those TV chefs tried to eat my dog ... and they are going to pay!

There he goes talking big again. I don't see any damn dogs out here. Just a buncha damn crows.

Caw!

Watch out!

Ponzi!

Ponzi?

Arf!

That's my good boy!

Good Lord! Ponzi's a spy!

Damn!

I'll have us in Antarctica in time for supper. ... Now bow before me?

Hell no!

All part of God's plan

2010-07-19T11:32:00.004-04:00

Hell, no! I'm not goin anywhere with goddam Newman.

That's Lord Newman. Now, bow before me.

Hell, no! You're no damn lord of mine!

Come on! Agent Bauer says he wants us to go to Antarctica with Lord Newman. We promised to do what he said or else he'd torture us.

You two are torturing me right now. Besides, the damn note says Antartica. There's no such place.

It was just a typo.

This bastard fooled Jesus into putting him in charge of Parallel Heaven. Then he canceled half-price wings! Not to mention he got my butt kicked outta real Heaven and had Jesus send me to the damn North Pole. ... The Player's not going back to any damn North Pole!

Listen, this is all part of God's plan. Jesus himself wants you to follow me. ... Besides, Antarctica is the South Pole.

Damn! ... Well I ain't riding in any damn more toilets.

We won't have to travel through the toilets. But first we need to make a stop. Wear this disguise -- you'll look like an acolyte.

An astronaut??? I look like Harry damn Potter!

Hey! When do I get my damn money?

You wouldn't dare!

2010-07-15T08:17:00.002-04:00

-POP!-

Caw! Where are we?

The Ice Age?

We must be at the South Pole in Parallel Time as Lord Bramwell had planned.

One thing I know is, now I'm hungry.

Caw! You wouldn't dare!

Oh, I think I would.

Pull the bloody lever!

2010-07-12T09:40:00.011-04:00

You, in the soiled wifebeater. I said, I take it we are not dead.

Who the bloody hell are you?

Mmmm. This here's Mrs. Egram. She don't like to be called Ol' Marge.

Marge?!?! Like that bloody monster who's destroying Non-Parallel Allentown?

I was that Marge until 1865 when these, ahem, gentlemen altered the course of time and my life vectored into an alternate reality. ...

... So instead of eating her little brother Ronan while they were trapped, briefly, in a cave after a rock slide, incorporating his evil into hers, and traveling to Allentown to kill Atown Liker, steal his blog and destroy Allentown, she lived quietly in Hungary ...

Turkey.

... Turkey, sorry, only occasionally impaling the local officials and process servers there. Now she's here to help us stop Marge.

Smashing!

All very fascinating I'm sure, but where the hell is Bramwell?

Taking note that you have yet to answer my initial question and you are quite objectionable in both demeanor and appearance, I would sadly like to report to you that dear, brave Mr. Bramwell perished at the hands, or claws and beaks as it were, of the Really Big Crows while saving our lives, provided of course that we are, indeed, alive.

I reckon we's alive cause I gotta make water. Hmmm. Reminds me of a joke.

Jolly good! Step right this way, sir! If you've come for a pee, you've come to the right place. All of our stalls are open at the moment except for No. 4 and all of our state-of-the-art urination devices are at your disposal. Perhaps you'd like a spot of tea, or a sandwich while you relieve yourself?

Mmm. I could do with some french fried potaters.

Splendid! Coming right up. Now do tell me that joke of yours....

He's a cheerful fellow.

... Listen, you say Bramwell was killed by the bloody crows? You must be daft. Bramwell is the Lord of the Crows.

Impossible. We saw them peck out his eye!

Eye or no eye. It's true. And he's duped you into helping him reach the Realm of the Really Big Crows in this broken down old elevator.

What does he want with these Really Big Crows?

I'm afraid that's above my pay grade.

St. Onslow? Would you take a look the control board. Something's off.

Blimey! Somebody's still in the system! It's probably Bramwell! Now we've got 'im! Pull the bloody lever!

Damn, your show sucks

2010-07-07T09:39:00.008-04:00

This must be the place.

It says so there in the air.

How do you do that?

I'm Lord Newman, that's how. ... How is it the Player has a show on the TV Chef Network?

He's been staying over there since we washed up here in Parallel Time. They figured they might as well give him a show. They gave everybody else one.

Shhh. I think they're taping.

Hi everybody. I'm The Player from Non-Parallel Time and welcome to my damn show, "The Un-Paralleled Player." I thought up that damn damn name myself. My guest today is The Player from Parallel Time. My first question: Damn, you're green.

Damn right I'm green. Don't I get some damn cup of coffee or something?

Damn, you drink coffee? You call yourself an athlete? The Player doesn't drink any damn coffee.

Then howbout some damn water?

You can get your own damn water with all the damn money you make. What do I look like, some kinda damn waterboy?

Damn, your show sucks.

My damn show is 10 times better than your damn show.

I get paid for this, right? Where's my damn money?

Where's your damn money? Where's my damn money? You don't get paid till you answer my damn questions about nutrition. What kind stuff do you eat?

I drink some damn protein shakes and I eat some damn protein bars.

What else?

I'd drink some damn water if you weren't too damn cheap to give me some.

Damn! ... Well, that's all the damn time we got, folks. Tune in next week when I'll be talkin to somebody damn else. ... Now get the hell off my set.

As soon as I get my damn money.

Hmm. That was better than I expected.

The Player hates me

2010-07-06T11:50:00.000-04:00

According to this note, we need to bring The Player with us to the South Pole.
We can pick him up at the TV Chef Studios. He's taping his show right now.

This could be a problem. ... The Player hates me.

Well, you did get him kicked out of heaven.

But that was all part of Jesus' plan. I had to appear to turn Jesus against his best friend to impress the Parallel Satan.

I'm sure you'll work it out. Talk big. He likes that.

Did you say taping his show? ... Never mind. Listen, we'll have to sneak out the back. The Green Devil is watching me like a hawk.

Can't you just POOF us over to the studio?

No. I think they may be monitoring my POOFs. ... Here. Wear this. You'll look like an accolyte.

Really?

You've come to kill me

2010-06-30T09:35:00.000-04:00

Lord Newman?

Approach me.
My name is. ...

I know who you are. You've come to kill me, haven't you?
Um ... hi. Well, yes, I suppose I did, but killing you is actually on the back burner at the moment.

I'm so glad to hear that. So cut to the chase. Why are you here?

Thank you for not speaking so big. ... Well, first, I would like to formally request that you reinstate Christmas as a holiday in Parallel Time.

No. What else you got?

Well ... I received this note from Agent Bauer.

He spelled Antarctica wrong. That's not like him.

You know Agent Bauer?

I'm aware of his work. I'm aware, for instance, that he came here to Parallel Time with you and The Player on a mission to kill me. ... In our defense we had planned to torture you first...

Save it, hypocrite!
Hypocrite?

You, who go on about the Christmas spirit at one moment and contemplate torture and killing at the next! Would your precious Santa Claus torture and murder people?
Have you met him?

Would Jesus?
Well ... no. But he's probably mad that you double-crossed him ...

Double-crossed? Would you be surprised if I told you Jesus sent me here on a mission to thwart the crows? And that our falling out was merely a ruse?

Um ... Would I be surprised that Jesus sent you here on a mission to thwart the crows, or that your falling out was a ruse, or that you told me about the mission, the ruse or both?

All of it. Um ... yes?

Come with me, idiot.

Where?

We're going to the South Pole.

Happy holidays!

2010-06-29T13:20:00.001-04:00

I would like to speak with Lord Newman, please.

Oh, of course you would.

Yes, thank you, I would. I don't have much time, so please hurry. ... And a Merry Christmas to you.

Merry Christmas? There is no more Christmas in Parallel Time, bub.

Christmas lives on within all of us, my good fellow. I'm sure even you would see it if you looked into your heart.

Security, we got live one here. ... Let's see if we can do something about that.

Green Devil? ... What's going on out there?

Nothing to worry about, Lord Newman. Just another whacko. This one is babbling about Christmas. We're going to put him out of his misery.

Christmas? What does this person look like?

Um ... He's got a sword and a hot dog and he's wearing a hunter's cap ...

... tied with a colorful bandana?

Um ... yeah.

Send him right in. We have some things to discuss.

Ah, for cripes sake. ... Lord Newman will see you now. Go ahead in, nutjob.

Thank you, my green friend. Happy holidays!

Security, hold off. We'll pick this one up on the way out.

Blimey!

2010-06-23T08:40:00.003-04:00

At least the Control Room seems in order. Listen carefully, Donovan. Bramwell B. Bramwell is an extremely dangerous bird. I won't even tell you what that bugger did to our associates Carrot Top and Chucky.

Blimey!

As soon as that elevator door opens and you see Bramwell, pull that lever there and he'll be trapped in an interphasic transdimensional bubble.

Hunky-dory. And then what?

The we pull this lever 'ere and bury 'im in polar ice. That way the earth's magnetic field will trap the bubble forever between time an space.

That's the dog's bollocks, it is! North Pole or South Pole?

South. Father bleedin' Christmas raises bloody hell whenever we dump one up his way.

Jolly good!

OK, now. Get ready. 'Ere it comes ...

POOF!

Blimey!

Bloody hell!

I take it we are not dead?

We've got incoming

2010-06-17T14:22:00.001-04:00

Blimey, what's that noise?

Come with me to the control room, Donovan.

I've never heard anything like it.

We've got incoming.

Incoming? But the toilets ...

Not the toilets this time. The elevator.

Elevator? What elevator?

Down that tunnel there. ... The old freight elevator.

But that hasn't worked for decades. The shaft has been filled in. ... It doesn't go anywhere.

Actually, it goes everywhere. And now it's coming here. ... And Bramwell B. Bramwell is on it.

Hello? Can I get a couple more rolls of paper, please? ... And some more of those sandwiches?

Some nasty business

2010-06-14T11:43:00.002-04:00

Can't a bloke get a bit of toilet paper around here?

St. Onslow! What a pleasure it is to have you back in my underground comfort station.

The pleasure's all yours I'm afraid. I've got some nasty business to attend to. Interdimensional business, if you catch me meanin'.

Ah, I do indeed. Is someone important flushing in from the other side? ... Or flushing out?

In, I imagine. Though it's not quite clear. ... Have you ever heard of a Bramwell B. Bramwell, Esq.?

Vaguely. He's on the Do Not Flush list, if I remember correctly.

That's 'im. Bleedin' lord of the crows, he is. ... And he's got loose into the system, apparently.

Blimey! And he's coming here?

Could be.

How exciting! ... Oh, excuse me. I've got a client. ... Here's that paper you asked for, Onslow. Now have at it!

Good morning!

Same to you Mr. Andrew. The usual?

Oh, I had a rough show last night, Donny. I ate some really vile stuff ... and plenty of it. I think I'm going to have to give your pipes a workout today.

It'll be my pleasure, sir. That's what we're here for. Any stall other than No. 1 is available at the moment. Would you care for some reading material? ... Or perhaps a cucumber sandwich? A spot of tea?

Oh, I love those sandwiches. Give me a stack of 'em. ... You wouldn't have any slugs to put on these by chance?

Sorry, chum. Fresh out.

What is that noise? It sounds like a trainwreck.

Blimey! I thought it was you.

A little comfort station humor

2010-05-13T12:12:00.013-04:00

Hello, welcome to the underground comfort station.

Hello yourself, Donovan. Merry Christmas!

Oh, I recognize you. You're one of them blokes that came through the toilets from Non-Parallel Time.

I am indeed.

Did you say Merry Christmas, sir? You know it's May now?

I shall keep the spirit of Christmas in my heart all the days of the year, my young friend.

You seemed different. ... Might I interest you in some fancy soaps or colognes? Or howabout a shoe shine?

Well, I don't like my sneakers to be too shiny.

Perhaps you'd like to join our Soap Club? Privileges of soap club membership include your very own soap dish right 'ere in the loo and your very own selection of fragrant French soaps any time you like.

Well, I'm not much of a joiner. ... I think maybe I'll just pee.

Very well, governor. You've come to the right place, haven't you. Pee away to you heart's content. All of our freshly scrubbed stalls are available at the moment if you'd like some privacy and, of course, all of our state-of-the art urination devices are at your service.

So, no incoming traffic lately from Non-Parallel Time?

Your group was the last, sir. Fancy a sandwich?

Um, no thanks. I brought my own. ... And you haven't seen anyone from my group since?

Sorry, sir. Magazine?

No thanks, but that looks like a good one. ... I've been away, you see, and I'm not sure what happened to my friends.

Not sure, sir. Except for the serious bloke. Shipped him straight through the chute to the Antarctic Vatican I did on Onslo's orders.

OK. ... Guess I'll take that at face value.

Oh wait! Where is my head? ... In the loo I suppose -- a little comfort station humor sir, if I may -- there's a message for you. Here ya go.

Why thank you, Donovan. And here's a little something for your trouble. Merry Christmas!

A sovereign from 1858! Thank you sir. Good day, sir!

The same to you. Have a wonderful holiday season!

What a lovely gent. Afraid his head mighta been squeezed too hard in the loo, though.
...

Aw, crap.

Usually I do the torturing

2010-03-05T10:39:00.009-05:00

So let me get this straight. You think Fred and Wilma here are Adam and Eve?

But, of course.

And that Jesus liked to ride around on a dinosaur?

You have seen the evidence for yourself.

And you think that there was a lady named Emily -- who looks like somebody I actually know -- who was Adam and Eve's next-door neighbor?

This is what all Parallel Christians believe, Agent Bauer.

Jeeze. Usually I do the torturing. ... OK, how did Adam and Eve have a next door neighbor when they were the only two people on earth?

It is a mystery.

Do you believe in Noah's Ark?

Of course.

So, what happened to the dinosaurs? Did Noah take them on the ark?

Of course he did. Two of each of God's creatures were saved from the Great Flood.

So why aren't there dinosaurs walking around right now?

How do you know there are not? They could exist in some remote jungle like the Muhuru or the Ngoubou, or under the sea, like the Loch Ness monster or the Issie.

What about dinosaur fossils?

What about them?

They are millions of years old.

Nonsense. The world is 6,000 years old. The fossils date from the time of the Great Flood when many of the dinosaurs perished and were covered in mud. There is ample evidence of the existence of dinosaurs in the Bible as well as in recent history. Dragons, for instance. Leviathans. Giant flying birds. The great white crow.

The great white crow?

Yes, a giant flying creature who has lived in the ice for a thousand years.

Ice? Ice as in Antarctica?

Oh crap.

Relics of the Ice Age

2010-02-26T12:29:00.002-05:00

So these are the Vatican's Antarctic archives. Impressive.

This was once the Fortress of Solitude. We rent the place from Superman.

You actually have a real Superman in Parallel Time?

Of course, Agent Bauer. Don't you?

Well, no. I mean only in comic books. ... Can he help us with the Crows?

No. Actually he is quite useless. He has very few super powers, if any.

What is this ... a dumpster full of fingers?

Relics. We keep various body parts of saints here in cold storage. Here is St. Anthony's head. They always said he'd lose it if it weren't attached. ... Oh, look! Here Galileo's compass. Ha! ... A bit of an inside joke, I'm afraid.

What are these?

Cave drawings.

Jesus playing with dinosaurs?

Jesus loved the dinosaurs.

Funny way of showing it. ... What's this one?

We call her Saint Emily. We believe she was a neighbor of Adam and Eve.

Neighbor? ... How old are these drawings?

Oh, about 6,000 years. As old as Creation itself.

You mean that Adam and Eve and the dinosaurs and Saint Emily lived just six thousand years ago?

What sort of a question is that, Agent Bauer? Of course they did. The Bible tells us so.

You don't believe in evolution?

Evolution?

Darwin?

Wasn't he on Bewitched? ... Ah! Here we are. Our most sacred artifacts are stored in this chamber.

More cave drawings?

Not drawings Agent Bauer. Relics of the Ice Age. ... Two perfectly preserved frozen bodies. ... Agent Bauer, I introduce you to Adam and Eve.

Yabba dabba doo.

They have discovered the means

2009-11-17T11:42:00.007-05:00

Agent Bauer! I see you are enjoying the view from my terraza. Allow me to introduce myself. I am Pope Boneyface the 16th, the pontiff of Parallel Time.

I think I am frozen.

Yes! yes! Of course you are. Signor Scarecrow, please bring Agent Bauer inside and pour him some brandy. ... I will not ask you to kiss my ring, Agent Bauer, for it is quite cold and your lips would stick to it. You see I have been enjoying my daily walk in the brisk outdoors. It is 110 below zero Celsius today!

You go outside in this? What about the crows?

The crows are not interested in me, Agent Bauer. And besides, their little crow bodies cannot withstand this dreadful cold. After a few moments in the superchilled air here they drop from the sky and become food for my sentry penguins.

What, may I ask, are they interested in?

They seek to begin the apocalypse, nothing less. They will destroy Parallel Time and Non-parallel Time. They believe crows will reign in the aftertime.

But how? They're crows. They are petty and arrogant and not all that bright. ... And I have a BB gun!

Believe me Agent Bauer, they have discovered the means and if they are successful, not even your BB gun can save us.

I don't understand.

You will. In time. ... Come with me the to the Chamber of Holy Artifacts and the situation will become clearer.

The towel holders are ivory

2009-11-16T17:50:00.012-05:00

Again, unpleasant. ... But, wow! This is the most magnificent toilet I've ever swam in.

You have good taste, Agent Bauer. That toilet bowl is made from 24 karat gold.

And you are?

You may call me Scarecrow. I am the head of security here.

That was my first inclination. Where exactly is here and why do you have a gold and diamond encrusted bathroom?

You are in the Vatican South Pole, Agent Bauer. ... The towel holders are ivory...

This is the South Pole?

Indeed it is. Have a look out the window.

Penguins.

Not just any penguins, Agent Bauer. Jackass penguins.

Jackass penguins. ... Crows hate Jackass penguins.

And they don't care much for me either.

Wait till they get a load of my BB gun!

Let's get you cleaned up. His Holiness Pope Boneyface is waiting to see you.

So you are protecting the pope from the crows.

It's not the pope we are protecting Agent Bauer. We are protecting the entire space-time continuum. ... As we know it.

I didn't even know I knew it.

Who were you expectin', the Queen of England?

2009-10-23T11:41:00.005-04:00

Well, that was unpleasant.

Welcome to Parallel Time. Have a good trip, mate?

I'm not your mate.

Well spoken, governor!

I'm not the governor, either. Who the hell are you?

Oh, I do enjoy parrying with you, sir. ... I'm Old Donovan, I am. Comfort station attendant extraordinaire, at your service!

You? Old Donovan?

I am I am. Who were you expectin', the Queen of England?

You don't want to know.

As you wish. ... Fancy a towel, mate? Got some nice cologne here to cut that smell from the loo. ... Mellow Yellow if you catch me meanin'.

Just give me a towel and point me the way to Newman.

Not just yet, governor. There's a bloke in Stall Number 4 who would like a word.

Jesus?

Not yet, Agent Bauer, but give it some time. I'm movin' up in the ranks lately.

St. Onslo?? You're not even a real saint.

I am now. I got me pips. Now I'm undercover, just like you.

I don't have time for this. I need to get to Newman.

Newman, can wait, Agent Bauer. It's the crows we need to concern ourselves with. ... By the way I got some gear for ya. Here's your secret decoder ring and your two-way wristwatch back. They would never a made it though that old loo back in Non-parallel Time. ... But I'm keepin' the 40 quid. Consider it a finder's fee. ... Oh, and here's another piece a hardware for ya.

A BB gun?

The crows hate them.

Whatever. If I'm not going to Newman, where am I going?

Interesting story, that. But no time to tell it. Hurdy Gurdy Man here is flushin' ya down to the South Pole. ... To meet the pope.

Stall Number 5, governor. Our finest.... Very reliable!

Dude, you're in my toilet

2009-10-17T16:14:00.006-04:00

Man, this toilet is really going crazy. I guess I have to call a plumber.

What the hell?

Dude, you're in my toilet.

You tellin' me? Damn! Get me the hell outta this thing!

Oh. ... Crap.

Don't even think about it!

You're not the Green Guy. ... Are you who I think you are?

I am if you think I'm the best goddam athlete God ever put on this earth.

You're back? Wonderful. ... Just what I need.

Karl? ... You son of a bitch. You killed me with that damn keyser blade!

I'm not Karl. I'm Atown-Liker. Remember? You were here before. This is Parallel Time.

Parallel Time? Damn. That freak Donovan flushed me down a toilet into Parallel Time?

Apparently it's been going around. Some duchess or countess or whatever washed up over at the T.V. Chefs Studio a while back. ... And I heard another guy that looks just like the Irish Tenor bubbled up over there the other day.

So we made it. ... You got a towel? ... Hey, did some crazy-ass secret agent wash up around here too?

Not as far as I know. Why are you here, anyway?

Newman. Paul goddam Newman.

Looks like we're ordering takeout

2009-10-05T18:00:00.003-04:00

Now that we have the dog back, what should we do with him?

Let's eat him!

Let him go. He's just a little dog.

Let's lock him in the basement and torture him.

Let the poor creature go.

What is that sound?

The floor is shaking!

I am Lord Newman. Kneel before me.

What do you want?

I have come for Ponzi. Release him at once!

I told you to let him go!

I'll go and get him, Lord.

Quickly! ... You! Why do you not kneel before your Lord?

You are a fraud and I find you tiresome.

I shall smite thee!

Pssssst. Hey cupcake. That dude'll kick your ass.

I am Lord Newman!

And I'm the Easter Bunny. You been readin' your own press too long. Come with me. We got bigger fish to fry right now.

But ... Ponzi.

Forget about the mutt right now. We got problems. Let's get outta here.

They're gone, Bourdain. You can stop hiding in the bathroom. And who's great idea was it to kidnap God's dog anyway?

I thought he was just the president's dog. ... At any rate, he just ran away again. Looks like we're ordering takeout.

Hey Pan Fry, you better come in the bathroom.

I'm not falling for that again, perv.

There's a guy climbing out of the toilet.

Again?

I said I wanted door number ONE!

No more half-price wings

2009-05-15T12:29:00.000-04:00

Nice digs ya got here Newman. Weren't these the Tofu Turkey Towers? You've done pretty well for yourself.

I am Lord Newman. Depart from me now demon!

Um ....That crap don't work with me.

I am your God! You shall kneel before me!

That reverb is pretty impressive, I must admit. Now try this. Shut the hell up while I'm talkin to you, a-hole! You ain't no god.

Jesus has made me the Lord of Parallel Time.

Yeah yeah. Jesus may act like a rube sometimes but he's not in the business of givin away the store. No matter what you put in those chips. You're more like a demigod. For instance, I hear Ponzi got away from you. Do you know where he is?

No.

See? God would know that. Your pal Gabriel, did you know he was eaten by a polar right outside of Santa's workshop? ... I thought not. See? Demigod.

Gabriel, killed?? I shall kill all polar bears!

Save it, chum. They'll eat you alive. ... Hell, Santa would kick your ass, demigod.

I don't believe in Santa Claus.

From now on, you do.

But I can fly! I can disappear at will. My face appears in the clouds ...

Parlour tricks. And careful with that whole poofing thing. You could end up with your head stuck in a wall. Can you walk on water?

Well, no.

Jesus can. Hell, the mayor of this town can do that. What's his name ... O'Bama?

He can? ... But I have the the Celestial Locking Protocols.

Bingo! That's what we're here to talk about. My boss is very happy that you've locked down Parallel Time. You see, now Jesus and the rest of those other deities can't come over here and get in our business. ... We need you to keep those gates locked.

I was planning to do that.

Good. And a few other things. We don't want no more angels runnin around down here on earth. They get in our way. And I want you to raise taxes in Parallel Heaven.

I don't think they have any taxes.

They do now. And you and my boss can split the profits. ... And that TJI Fridays up there? No more half-price wings.

That's going make some people very upset. ... I'm not sure.

... But we'll be the replacing all the vendors. Every scrap of food in Heaven will be Newman's Own.

Hmmm.

You see, Pauly. We don't look at this as a takeover. We like to think of it as a merger between heaven and hell. ... And you, of course, will still be in charge of our heaven branch.

Deal ... on one condition. Tell me where Ponzi is.

Ponzi? Oh right. Them TV chefs found him. Plannin' to eat him again. You ever get that 50 billion?

Not yet.

Well, guess what. chum? You find it, you keep it. ... And you didn't believe in Santa Claus.

I prefer Mr. God

2009-04-09T11:55:00.007-04:00

Who are you? How did you get past security?

I am your Lord. Worship me.

What the hell? Guards! Guards!

No one can hear your cries for help, President Madoff

You aren't God. You're that actor. ... The one with the salsa.

Silence! Where is Ponzi?

Ponzi? What do you want with my dog?

Your dog? Ha! I sent Ponzi to Parallel Time before the election. Using mind control, I tricked you into adopting him.

That's not true. Ponzi showed up on my doorstep, in a basket, with a note that said, 'I need a home. Arf."

And what else was in that basket?

A baby blanket, a pacifier ... and some puppy treats. ... Newman's Own ... Oh my God, it was you!

I prefer Mr. God.

Ode of the toilet

2009-03-19T13:44:00.014-04:00

So you're trying to tell us you swam here from non-Parallel time through a toilet?

An underground toilet. yes.

Cool. I crawled into a toilet once. It was awesome.

We don't want to hear about your love life, Bourdain.

You see, I was a sea creature engaged in a death struggle with an evil demon ...

Cool!

Is it possible I may have some clothing? ... Atown-Liker has not yet arrived?

Ah! You must be the Countess of Monaco, from non-Parallel Time. I've heard so much about you. ... Allow me to introduce myself. I am the Green Guy. Atown-Liker is detained at a hockey game and shall join us later. ... And I brought you a robe.

You, sir, are a gentleman. The Green Guy in non-Parallel Time is actually a dear friend of mine. A lovely man such as yourself, but green. Decidedly so.

Countess, you are too kind. I've actually had the pleasure of meeting your friend and, yes, he is quite green.

Tell us more about the toilet!

Yes, of course, the toilet. ... You see, I was fighting the demon Marge -- and winning I might add -- when she hit me with the Butz helicopter. I fell into the Butz building and it exploded and collapsed on top of me. ... I found myself in an underground passageway. ... This is a lovely robe. Is it Turkish?

But of course. It's from the French Room at Hess's. A beautiful robe fit for a beautiful countess, such as yourself.

Oh, brother ...

Ah, you are a lovely man, indeed. We must go shopping at this French Room of yours. ... Where was I? Oh yes. The tunnel. I crawled through the tunnel and I began to feel myself change. You see, the reprehensible Dodger had transformed me into a horrific sea creature when he injected me with an amphibian growth hormone while I was recovering from a cosmetic procedure in Monaco. He was actually trying to kill me on orders from Marge, but he apparently injected me with the incorrect syringe. Later, just before I bit his head off, he injected me again, incorrectly, again, I would assume. Honestly, that vile creature has no talent as a henchman.

Yawn .... We're not getting any younger here, princess -- especially you ...

Of course, my dear, I shall continue. Apparently a 30 minute meal requires a 30 second attention span. ... You see, as I crawled through this abandoned tunnel, I could feel my body begin to transform. I became smaller and my scales began to recede. I came to an underground lavatory. It must have been somewhere along Hamilton Street ....

Of course! The underground public lavatories at Seventh and Hamilton streets. They are still operation here in Parallel Time. They provide a welcome respite for the weary shopper in our bustling downtown.

Those must be the ones. They are abandoned in non-Parallel Time. But they are guarded by an attendant -- actually a skeleton in in a bathroom attendant's uniform.

Could it be old Donovan?

I don't know his name. He offered me a moist towelette and told me the commode was a passage to Parallel Time. The lavatory began to collapse around me so I dove into the toilet. ... And now I am here.

How fascinating!

Did he say anything else?

He said something else, but I did not understand. ... But I remember the word "Newman."

This day in Parallel history

2009-03-17T13:06:00.003-04:00

March 17 -- St. Brendan the Navigator's Day

March 17 is a holiday for Irish Americans, celebrating St. Brendan's discovery of America in 525 A.D.

St. Brendan set out in 516 with 14 pilgrims in an curragh made of leather in a search for the Garden of Eden. After an arduous journey filled with terrible and wondrous sights -- including an encounter with a sea monster -- what Brendan found was the next best thing: the South Jersey seashore.

There he founded Sea Isle City and opened an Irish Pub in 529. He brewed his beer with seaweed and algae, which of course made it green.

The followers of St. Brendan to this day drink green beer in his honor.